For the few of you who actually clicked through my mini-joke mindlash home page and got here I applaud you.
If you're reading this after April 1st and you completely missed it, you can see the faux-front-page here.
To be honest, I know i put the joke up a day too early and i realized that I had a few hours after it was done and instead of taking it down, I decided that it could be part of the joke to be on the 31st and the 1st instead of just one day.
Like any good holiday it should be celebrated up to a month ahead of time, but has to end the day after. So I should not be berated for starting the joke too early
I figured that people would be more willing to believe i really wasn't paying my bill and be less skeptical of the joke if it came a day before fools day. And it may actually take two full days before more than a handful of people actually click on the details page and get the joke.
I mean I am broke, but I'd sell semen before letting this baby die if I can help it.
So it's actually April Fool's Day today...i love it and yet I rarely ever pull any real pranks, but I hope someone does, and i see it, cuz I like it and it makes me smile.
Spread Rumors: .
Wednesday, April 1st, 2004
One Liner:
You are all fools because it's April, and you think it's September
Time of Death:
12:01 am.
Spread Rumors: .
Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
One Liner:
casting judgement down from the moutain
Time of Death:
4:07 pm.
Listen I'm gonna shoot you straight here, I wrote an update a few weeks back about my obsessive compulsion to collect DVDs and never throw away magazines, the post is an abomination and is scrapped at least for now. In the story I mention that I get Blender magazine but never care enough to read it. If there is a photo spread I flip through it but if I ever get my mind set for reading its usually a novel for a class and if I have time for a magazine it's never Blender, but the subscription was free so I'm not complaining. The reason I'm telling you about this is because I made a photo about sad little Blender, unloved and ignored on the island of misfit toys and I felt like finally using it.
So i decided to flip through this past month's issue of Blender to find something to write about so I could use the photo and I came across a short interview with Johnny Knoxville. Let me preface everything with the disclaimer, I am judging public image and careers, not people, I don't know these people from holes in the walls.
Johnny Knoxville can currently be seen in Walking Tall with the Rock, is starring in the next John Waters film, and is set to star in the next Farrelly Brother's film among a few other upcoming roles. On top of this he's just started his own record label, named creatively enough Johnny Knoxville Records...the label only has one recording artist, which is conveniently enough his cousin.
I don't like Johnny Knoxville, I can't for the life of me understand his appeal, I don't know where he came from exactly but I wish he would go back. There's just something so tacky about him. I was a big fan of Bam Margera and the CKY videos back when they first came out and I was a kid who liked to make mischief and spent a lot of time skating, badly, don't be fooled, I never got any good. When the Jackass humor exploded onto MTV, I'm not going to pretend that I tuned out right away, I was a little rabbit nibbling up all I could get, But I never liked how Johnny Knoxville seemed to leech his way into the limelight of the series when his only contribution was hurting himself, anyone can do that, masochism is not original.
Bam and the CKY guys were talented at something at least, the crazy stunts were offset by their skating and biking prowess. And they were funny, creative, original guys...of course their humor can get tiresome after a while too, when it seems they are trying too hard, but they weren't like Knoxville.
Knoxville only participated in gross out stunts involving shit, someway of injuring himself, or some sort of painfully planned out stunt for shock value. Lighting yourself on fire for less than 10 seconds, after being prepped by professionals and consulting doctors, while in a fire retardant suit, next to a pool, with an expert armed with an extinguisher present, is not incredibly interesting Johnny. That's an amateur attempt at stunt-man work and it's not funny or shocking but yet an actual profession.
Not long after the mainstream Jackass explosion it was ruined for me. That type of cheap humor gets old and fast...When the mainstream masses are copycating things that were only funny because they were creative, then its time to hang it up. And I'm not talking about the copycats that hurt themself, in fact one of my friends lit himself on fire and of course something went wrong, enter some hospital time. He's ok now so we can laugh and laugh, and then shake our heads sadly.
To be honest, I did some of the CKY type stunts and things, some new ideas and some copycat, but when it was fresh, when it was still new and crazy, before MTV. When I still see kids, years after Jackass has been on MTV, still thinking that they are the coolest kids alive after videotaping crashing a shopping cart into a bush, I just don't get it, do people not have any creative moral standards? I don't mind that style if it's your thing, just think of something new to do.
So I'm past it, turned off by it but I doubt that I'm very much more mature. But I don't hold any ill will against the guys involved, but Knoxville is soured in my mind because he never did anything that interested me in the slightest and here he is reaping the rewards, gotta say good job for his agent I guess.
Creativity should be rewarded, not Cliche...but then again Johnny Knoxville seems to be doing ok without any original ideas or talent, maybe that's his draw with fans.
so this is what i've come to, when I'm bored and/or pumped full of life for no good reason, I sit at my computer and write stuff down?
It's a beautiful day here in Virginia, I'm done with classes for the day at 10am, I didn't sleep last night, no good reason why not. I'm full of beans as they used to say, zestfully clean and brimming with a happy feeling and I'm dancing around my room for half an hour trying to think of something to do to pass the time before lunch.
I know I have to study for a test tommorow but this is bouncy time, not study time, plus if I start reading and come down off this adrenaline kick, the lack of sleep will hit me and I'll be out for hours and without lunch, o me or my. The screen, only two or three feet from my face, is blurry as my contacts, dry from extended use, are giving me lip.
I put on my lacrosse gloves and had a toss with myself against a wall for a few minutes on the only wall that I am sure that no one is on the other side of, this wall sadly is in my room and I have to put a pillow over my monitor in fear that an errant ball would smash its flat LCD screen to smithereens. This game of catch soon turns to a series of dances involving my lacrosse stick and then ends. Reluctant to sit this one out but I concede, visibly beaten, and return to my old failsafe time passer, the computer.
Hey lets talk about something, give me a topic and I bet I can ramble on about it, hmm...you're not being very helpful today? Wait is there even anyone here? O man, I have definitely alienated my core audience with my recent half-assed perfomances. Well if you really know me and you really know my site, when things have gotten stale, it usually takes one of these boring emo-esque ramble catharsises, pardon me, catharsi, to open the flood gates of creativity and get the kid rolling again. Stick with me, the goodstuff cycles on and off like an athlete on steroids.
:...I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. -You're not that far ahead...
Before Christmas I had bought a few semi-gag gifts to throw into the white chinese auction gift swap that was being done among friends. I left for home before the actual gift giving, in order to get ready for florida, and was subsequently left with a test-tube of bubbles that harden when blown instead of popping, a soft fluffy ball shaped chicken that made bawk bawk bagawk sounds when you hit it and a 5 dollar DVD of something called Pingu, the adventures of a claymation penguin. (hahaha harden when blown, i just got it)...
I finally got around to watching the DVD tonight and truly had a Super Troopers moment laughing in the dark at the incoherent flickerings of my television. I was laughing way too much for something so terribly not funny. Had I been under some sort of influence, my behavior might have been justified but I was quote 'sober as a bird.'
This Pingu program contains no actual talking, at least not anything I could understand. But it's not like Charlie Chaplin/Mr. Bean/Mr. Bill funny or anything, I assume it's just a kids program that is described on the DVD case as 30 minutes of fun with the charming and cheeky penguin.
The language Pingu speaks is nothing more than a series of squeaks and mumbles and the occassional honking noise, so it must be gibberish but it sort of sounds French. His parents definitely speak in a more traditional word and sentence format that I can only assume is French-ish even though the back cover says that everyone in the village speak Penguinese a universal language. Apparently Penguinese is mostly laughing, honking and French mumbling.
The "thirty minutes of fun" consist of Pingu hanging out with a mentally retarded seal, arguing gibberish with other baby penguins, helping his father deliver the mail on his exhausting route of five residences, playing tennis with a fish instead of a ball and acting as penguin-boy-servant to an elderly organ grinder who seemed like a typical child-penguin-molester.
Evidently the creators thought so much of this project that they couldn't be bothered to create a DVD menu, because when the DVD loads it goes right to the cartoons and then when it ends it goes right back to the beginning again, no menus in sight. The back cover says award-winning but within the claymation continuity errors abound, things appear where they werent before, but who wants to nit pick?
However the Pingu website is surprisingly well done for such a shoddy franchise. And the theme song is short but quite sweet, french children sing to a uptempo beat:
Ok, I meant to get to this after spring break, but you know thats how much I care about you, that things like this can just go untended to, stagnate and die. Lets try and get it's heart pumping again, clear.
This is only one problem that I have with Atkins, and its take-over of the American food landscape. But this post is not about Atkins, its about Mayonnaise. yeah Patty Mayonnaise, moron. i'm so sorry, thats what i first thought about too.
Over the break while preparing and consuming one of many many sammiches I noticed a nice big red circle on the mayo label. Hellmans has the audacity to advertise on their jars that their mayo has 0 carbs as always. So what? If you're trying to lose weight, maybe cutting down on carbs is a good idea...but the answer does not in any way involve mayonnaise.
This is the main problem with Atkins, people are so carb crazy, that any food that is not high in carbs is being adverstised as Atkin's friendly. Friendly is nice, i like friends, but 1 teaspoon of mayo has 100 calories and 11 grams of fat...Now as a guy who has been lucky enough thus far to be thin and have a high metabolism, these numbers don't mean anything to me, but it doesn't seem like its good for dieters trying to lose weight.
This Atkins crap is so out of control and consuming everything in its path like a wild fire and people are just stupid enough to think that Mayonnaise is healthy. Here's a little help, its not. Lets examine the contents: Soybean oil, whole eggs, vinegar, water, egg yolks, salt, sugar, lemon juice, natural flavors, calcium disodium EDTA (used to protect quality). That shouts health conscious to me.
Now I was thinking, who the hell thought of mixing these ingredients together, looked at it and said that looks good, lets eat it. Well when they grabbed a handful and glommed it down they must have felt sick, right? So who decided to stick with it and just spread a little on a sammich? And if this is the recipe for mayo and it has stuck around for such a long time, were their earlier prototypes that were less edible? And what must those have been like?
Actually all the answers can be found here if you're so inclined.
The Hellman's jar also lists their trademarked properties, which include the name Hellman's, the slogan "Bring out the Hellman's, and Bring out the Best" and the blue ribbon. So Hellmans has the rights to blue ribbons, so watch out sucker unless you want to get sued.
And as if to further divide the east coast and west coast, Hellman's is sold as Best Foods Mayo west of the Rocky mountains, The same corporation packages their mayo under the Best Foods label instead of Hellman's. So for anyone on the west coast reading this that doesn't know what Hellman's is, just pretend I said Best Foods
"Doug decided that after all Patty really wasn't the one for him. and Skeeter was" (x).
Listen, baby, I know I haven't been giving you my full attention lately. It's not fair, and I'm kinda sorta sorry...No don't hit, listen to me, I would be more remorseful if I wasn't so nuts about this new attachment. I didn't mean for it to happen this way, and I couldn't think it would be fair to ignore you any longer without some answers, you deserve that much....No, you deserve so much more, you're right, but this is something I have to do.
I'll understand if you never speak to me again but I think I have the energy to devote my full attention to you and maybe see my Goomah on the side. Thats not good enough? Well that's going to have to do. You knew the deal when you got involved with me, you've seen webmasters before me, lose interest and entertain themselves elsewhere, but you still wanted all that I could give you. I'm not trying to turn this on you, but I've seen you making eyes at some other sites, and if they weren't located out of other countries, they'd be toast.
The fact is this, I've had this sideproject that I've been working on only for the past few days, its not unusual for webmasters to take side projects, all the greats do, and even some schluubs like me get the urge to dillute what little genius they have, and spread themselves thin, and put their eggs in too many baskets and then they're like where are all my eggs, i can't find that blue Robin's Egg, and who the hell ate my Cadburry Cream Egg?
It's like Eddie Vedder kept working on Pearl Jam but teamed up with members of Soundgarden to form Temple of The Dog. They had a hit or two, but fizzled quickly. That's what I'm thinking, but really I'm full of hope thinking this new site will be bigger than anything ever in the world. woohoo
Well the new site is called TomJonesPants.com and came out of nowhere after I listened, really listened to some of Tom Jones's songs, most specifically Sexbomb. Tom Jones is famous for his voice and his tight pants, he's an icon for Las Vegas and a lust filled sexual predator. The site originated as a bit of a joke of a fansite, even though I have recently become a crazy obsessed fan, I'm still just joking around. But the sky's the limit. There is no real author, anyone can write for TJPants and I hope you do. Right now we are accepting any stories about tom jones, but the future holds unlimited possibilities.
My hopes is to have TomJonesPants DotCom be a mecca for writing of both factual and fictional natures. The subpages are not yet finished, but most of that for now will consist of Tom Jones fan stuff most of which can be found by clicking the TomJones links at the end of the Navigation bar.
For the few of you who actually clicked through my mini-joke mindlash home page and got here I applaud you. 
It's a beautiful day here in Virginia, I'm done with classes for the day at 10am, I didn't sleep last night, no good reason why not. I'm full of beans as they used to say, zestfully clean and brimming with a happy feeling and I'm dancing around my room for half an hour trying to think of something to do to pass the time before lunch. 
The "thirty minutes of fun" consist of Pingu hanging out with a mentally retarded seal, arguing gibberish with other baby penguins, helping his father deliver the mail on his exhausting route of five residences, playing tennis with a fish instead of a ball and acting as penguin-boy-servant to an elderly organ grinder who seemed like a typical child-penguin-molester.
Actually all the answers can be found 