Thursday, October 31st, 2002

Subject:beyond comprehension
Time:1:17 am.
Music:Radiohead - Punch Drunk Lovesong.
my mom called and out of the blue told me that Mr. Flannery, a neighbor, a family friend, and technically my uncle twice removed is dead. I am dumbfounded, i have dealt with death before, and i was not even that close to him but i can't understand...the world is changing and i am so detactched from it. I can't even contemplate going home to a place that is becoming more different every day. It doesn't make sense, Mr. Flannery was always there, a part of my life and world and now he's not and it just doesn't compute...partly because i'm so far away, removed and now i have to deal with this news by myself, where i have always in the past, had others to cooperatively deal with loss. I have been trying to look on the bright side of things for the past few days to change my outlook, but there is nothing, nothing positive about things. He fell off the roof and hit his head when trying to repair something on the chimney or something. That doesn't happen, does it? They warn you be careful, you could fall and break ur neck, but that doesnt happen...people fall and break arms and bruise ribs they don't die...i remember on Family Matters, Carl fell off the roof a few times in one episode and it was comic, it doesn't make sense how this could happen. He leaves 6 kids and a wife and i dont know what they are gonna do. He wasn't that much older than my parents, just out of the blue and it doesnt make any sense. It makes me think about preciousness of life and on being more careful, i mean i never worry about hitting my head, or jumping off tall things, i have done that for fun in the past and i have really been downplaying the importance of life lately, i dont know what i'm saying and i'm rambling..I feel guilty to be thinking of myself, but this is the kind of thing a God would do to get me out of my rut, to make me realize how precious life is, but I'm not that important and i'm dicey on Gods existance and its not fair to Mr. Flannery. i went for a walk after i heard for about 2 hours, i can't really remember Mr. Flannery without a smile or a joke...he'd often complain about something or mention something, after church but he always turned it into a joke and laughed about it, thats a good way to be remembered i suppose....
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Subject:'love that perfect frown, honest eyes'
Time:11:56 pm.
Mood: silly.
Music:Ok Go - Get Over It.
halloween...i say its pretty much all or nothing when it comes to dressing up, i mean one accessory is fine, i mean that is participating without dressing up and that fine by me, but most of the kids on my floor half assed it and dressed up in their own clothes and went as thugs. there were a few creative costumes like a simple clark kent costume with a superman costume under khakis and half open shirt, and two kids from the second floor who went as Ace and Gary, the Ambiguous Duo. And the other half of the kids on the floor did not partake which is also fine, and i hung with them all night. Jardin always includes me in stuff, he's a good kid, he just brought some girls by my room cuz they wanted to meet me cuz they heard i was sexy, but they probly heard from Jardin, and boy were they wrong.

i did not dress up and theres a few reasons, i couldnt find a blond wig for Kurt Cobain and thats cuz i didnt go to the store; i didnt want to have to explain to people that i was Gohan from DBZ all day; i had no particular place to go; and all the costumes dont really work with glasses and red eyes. However i switched back to contacts today but i wasn't sure if i could go the day. Even tho i wasted an opportunity to dress up and be creative and funny i had more fun just hanging with Jardin and everyone down the end of the hall.

my brother dave rented an ALF costume from a costume shop in boonton, and i'm jealous and i need to see the pictures. He wore it to school and apparently did well with it. Me and marc plan to rent it during the winter and just go to the mall and stuff wearing it. We also are gonna go to a nets game during the break and we all know the Florida plan, so my future is set.

Ok Go is gonna be the next big thing, like the Strokes were last year, i knew the Strokes were gonna be big last year before it happened, and i knew about the Gorillaz being big almost a year before they made it. And Ok Go is on the same path, being groomed for the fasttrack. A new sound, fresh, energizing music and with a buzzworthy MTV2 at 4 in the morning obscurity and a solid CD.

"you say 'its dinner with your sister sweetie,' but darling look how you're dressed, your best, suggests, a different kind of guest"

Tom Morello, Chris Cornell, Tim Commerford & Brad Wilk pulled a fast one on me. They sent out all types of rumors that Rage minus Zack and Cornell were playing together, but they were keeping the name Rage Against the Machine, and then they sent out rumors that they weren't gonna release an album, then they had some songs leaked under the name Civillian, and NOW they are Audioslave, and they have an album coming out next month, and enough material for a second CD. I joined there promotional underground online army and the songs that i have heard are pretty good...they aren't very politically minded lyrically anymore but the stuff isn't bad...But Tom said that the stuff on the internet now is not the stuff on the album. He said the new stuff is much better, he doesnt care if u steal the CD online but just make sure u get the newest best version possible because they are very proud of the album....

'o its such a drag, what a chore, o ur wounds are full of salt, everythings a stress, and whats more, its all somebodys fault...'
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Tuesday, October 29th, 2002

Subject:Lookin on the Bright side..
Time:12:12 am.
Mood: content.
Music:alkaline trio - my friend peter.
thinking about school thus far...

its not so bad,
in a little more than 1/4 of my freshman year so far i have:

partied the night before anyone got here,
partied and passed out across 3 chairs the night everyone moved in,
played paintball for college credit,
drank some, smoked some, etc.,
watched a lot of movies,
regained my passion for DBZ, Winnie the Pooh, Marx Bros, and MST3K,
watched a lot of comedy central,
read 3 novels, one before school and 2 during my time here, each one in a night,
wrote some good papers,
did some good projects,
completely erradicated any lingering public speaking fears,
walked on the roof of an 8 story dorm and jumped off repelling down the side, freefalling for 3 or 4 stories in one bunny hop,
wore an elmers mohawk and way too much eyeshadow and 80's clothes to an 80's party,
painted my chest as the D in DUKES for a game and cheered my asss off (without being drunk),
met and talked to countless new faces,
traveled to Pittsburgh,
and NJ,
gained countless stories of school mishaps, bad grades and mistakes made
planned a winter break trip to Florida,
found a new hobby,
been on my own, fended for myself,
been a good roomate who's easy to live with,
done a lot of thinking,

overall i've done well. And i'm sure i have more to be proud of that i didn't think of.
And as long as I think of the good stuff instead of dwelling on the bad, the mistakes and the regrets, then I will be fine.
i wanna make movies for a living but i have more thinking to do....

...thanks for the support.
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Monday, October 28th, 2002

Subject:scraggly cretin staring back at me
Time:2:06 pm.
Mood:Fuck Off.
Music:apex twin - window licker.
i wish i had my digital camera, i loaned it to a girl and when she tried to return it i told her to hang on it to for as long as she needed cuz i was trying to sleep and i didn't wanna deal with her coming by. but the reason i want it is to document my appearance, i dont look like me at all. My hair is long and scraggly, my goatee is thick and scraggly as well. and i wore my contacts for like a week straight, i didnt realize cuz i usually take them out when i sleep but i stayed p for 3 days straight, took a few hours nap then stayed up for 2 days and then slept for 2 dayswithout taking them out. Well then my right eye got beet red, swollen half shut and puss-ed. So now i have to wear glasses for like 2 weeks. that and the fact i dont smile at all anymore, i dont resemble myself much at all. i look like the mug shot of Paul Reubens( peewee herman) when he was arrested in Sarasota Florida masturbating in a porno theatre. i wanna grow my hair a little longer, bleach it and start wearing contacts again, so i look like Kurt Cobain and then OD on heroin, survive only to later blow my head off with a shotgun.

matt called me to see if i was still alive he said lots of ppl online have been wondering about my disapearance, just cuz i'm tired of living off IM, living in the past, not experiencing the future and all i do is bitch about my problems online which annoys ppl. but i guess its nice to know some ppl would notice my presence when i'm gone.

in closing, ...i really hate posting on here now, i dont know why i just wasted my time
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Subject:Random State Updates and Chopper Rides
Time:9:50 pm.
Mood:Eat Me.
Music:Superdrag - who sucked out the feeling.
i was watching Drew Carey's Friars club roast from a few years ago and turns out Keri Kinney and Michael Ian Black are Friars. i was excited! and Keri Kinney played a kindergarten mother on CBS's "smash comedy" Still Standing(its not really that funny) tonight. and we all know that Thomas Lennon is atill working cuz he's the Snickers guy and he's some sort of board of directors guy on ABC's 'Meds'.

also for military science theres this weekend retreat, its like 3 days in the woods, paintball, ropes courses and other apparantly really cool stuff but i blew it off cuz it seems like too much trouble and mostly serious cadets and ROTC contracted are going, but i found out that they are riding in helicopters to get to the training grounds. i would have really loved to get a free chopper ride so i'm kind of kicking myself harder than i usually do but Matt said its supposed to get below 20 degrees this weekend so if that happens then i guess i'll be happier in my warm room...i guess i'll have to wait to ride in a chopper until i'm helivac-ed with a gunshot wound to my head...

anyway that's all...thanks for the support
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Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002

Time:12:11 am.
Fuck Off
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Subject:when i die and go to hell, for my eternal torture satan will send me back to JMU
Time:9:59 am.
took 13.5 hrs but i read 400 pages in one night, many breaks and distractions and changes of scenery and positions, now i have til 3 to write a 5 page paper. I went to the coffee bar after i finished the book and said that i knew nothing about coffee but i needed something with a lot of caffiene and the asian woman behind the counter didnt know much english but she said something like "lot o caffiene, o yes ,cappucino, u see how much, four shot, so much..."

i lost BIG DIPPER and it breaks my heart, that pencil was not only a great utencil but a good conversation starter as well cuz it was so big and i looked like a second grader but i dropped it in the college center one of the many places i read last nite and i went back and the building was locked but i looked in the window and i saw it on the chair and i was at the door at 730 when they unlocked it and i immediately went to the chair where a cleaning lady was wiping down the chairs and coffee table and i asked her if she had seen a big red pencil and she claimed she hadnt and i doubted her. i told her i came by last nite and saw that i left it on the chair clear as day and i asked a few times cuz if she was cleaning the chairs i didnt think the night janitor would have done so earlier. and then i doubt he would have taken the pencil, she probly just wanted the damn thing for herself, and i checked her cart cuz she had a jar with pencils and pens in it that she probably found and it wasnt in there, so i think its dead and out of my life forever

I'm looking into digital video cameras, i'm gonna need a job or to get my ebay selling going hardcore, but i really really want to get one of those 1400 dollar professional ones and i saw an interview with dennis leary on the daily show or conan awhile back and he said if you wanna make movies tell ur parents to give u the money they were gonna spend on film school and use it to finance an independent film, all you need is a good film or project and that can do more than any education without the right breaks can. Since college life is obviously not my thing and this weekend with my parents stirred a lot of emotions and thoughts as to my future, i keep thinking how i am going to regret selling out the only dream i really have to make a movie or to be involved in the production a movie. i disgarded that future because it wasnt a sure thing and i'd easily become the struggling filmmaker who'd never make it, and i'm really not the kind of person who could make my future happen, i'd have to work on learning to smooze people and talk my way through life, unless i could just sit back and be in the right place at the right time and let luck unfold my big break. and i'm always just lucky enough for that to happen but you can't count on things always just working out.

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Time:7:33 pm.
i finished my paper with half an hour to spare, it wasn't perfection but it was quite good, i had trouble keeping under the 5 page maximum and had to cut out some flowing sentences and supporting quotes...i was walking to class and i was so tired and strung out on capuccino and adderall, that i would stare into space and mumble under my breath without knowing, i'd mumble and then halfway through the phrase or sentence i'd realize i was speaking, i had no clue, how i started without noticing...the things i was saying too, were insane, about people i never met and sometimes including jibberish words or talking in a vanacular from another time or something...anyway i kept doing it every few minutes and ppl kept staring at me, i must have had a confused or pained look on my face as i mumbled to myself.

when i stopped mumbling i saw a kid from my history class that i'd never talked to and i went up to him and talked about class and the paper as we walked to class, and turns out GET THIS, that the paper wasn't due today, last thursday Hyser pushed it back, at least its done.

I walked with another kid that i'd never met on the way to business and talked to him, and then in business i had a lot of fun talking to Marydan and felt really comfortable. then i walked home and noticed the mumbling again, damn my wretched soul, i'm going insane.

also last nite during a reading break, i shaved myself a goatee, a real one, with mustache and chin and connecting lines on each side of my lips, its coming in very nicely and im quite proud its full and perfect after like 4 days

other than the paper fiasco, my mumbling insanity, and the acceptance of the gut wrenching loss of Big Dipper the only other reason why today wasn't a perfect was my pants...i have been wearing my belt undone and open like i used to at home and i must have gotten thinner or leaner cuz my pants woudnt stay up so walking up hill home from classes i was forced to concede and buckle my biggie but it was a moral defeat to pants and why should they win, fuck those stupid fuckers...
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Thursday, October 17th, 2002

Subject:who the fuck cares
Time:2:32 am.
Music:system toxicity.
if not for inflated expectations im doing all right...i really am. I am happy enough, lazy very lazy but still happy enough and with the exception of good potential for a low grade in Gcom and the inevitable failing of Math, i'm also not doing totally awful in all my classes. as long as i dont judge how empty my life in comparison to everyone else's then i am good.

Seems mike didnt forget about me and he found me a ride home this weekend and as there won't be many ppl here this weekend it was looking to be a long period of sleep, tv, not shaving, showering or putting on clothes...which is 3 weekends a month anyway normally...but i was thinking maybe i'd read my book with 3 days of no human contact... but i now have a ride and i am happy to be going home.. we are leaving around 8pm on thurs night so i guess we'll get home around 2am and then i'll be home till sunday probly about noonish....

i really do like this place alot now, i dont know what my problem was, i mean i still would like friends like at home but whatever i never really have had to work for anything, good things with time and i'm a very lucky person in general...

today gcom was cancelled and i met with my gcom group for our 2nd meeting for our project.. we played pool and checked our mail and went to the bookstore...

it was pouring and cold and i was feeling sick and i really didnt want to learn first aid outside in a field for 2 hrs so i took a nap until 7pm then watched DBZ, some adult swim i had taped, Reservoir Dogs a great movie, and Duck Soup i forgot how much i love the Marx Bros...

my nose is still giving me an attitude and now my right lower leg and foot spasm every few minutes, it starts in the calf and feels like an electric shock moving down to my foot and it shakes my whole foot and kinda hurts and kinda feels really good...

if i can get to 80% of healthy anytime soon i think i'm gonna start lifting, i suddenly don't care that i don't know how and will probly be embarassed, i have been told i have a good body for lifting, meaning i am skinny and the only way to go is up, so instead of just eating protein and doing pushups and jumping rope, i'm actually start a routine and if i actually have something good why waste it,damn but by that mentality i shouldnt be putting holes in my brain and letting it sit unused and rot, fuck you know forget it, i'm probly not gonna do anything, i'm gonna go with sitting and sleeping i've got that down and its easy..damn it im just rambling and this post sucks but i dont feel like erasing it i started so much happier than usual saying things werent so bad and now im pissed, im gonna listen to some more system and go out for a smoke fuck me and die u miserable loser piece of shit arghhh but its not that bad im just dumb and this is annoying any reader more than its annoying me and im fucking pissed off, but i do find much joy in my new hobby but my computer is freezin and fuckkkkkkkkkkk arggggbgv rooooaaaarrrrr!!!!!
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Subject:soul searching, cycles and rail riding
Time:4:10 am.
Mood: cheerful.
i apologize for the last post, i went outside and did some good thinking about how i think to hard when i'm with ppl here and i dont want to do or say anything that is not being myself, i just wanna be myself but i forget what thats like..i am so braindead i can't remember how i met ppl or how i became friends with anyone, i can remember that i met most ppl with matt or through matt, so i never had to do anything, good things just happened, i was myself and i was funny and crazy...but most of my friendships, i can't remember how they started or how i would act that somehow didn't drive ppl away...i am a bit awkward when i talk to ppl here and i beet i come off as kinda fake or boring and thats not me but i won't relax...i classes i am fine but when i get back to my dorm i say hello to ppl and get nervous, i think i come off as just talking to end the conversation to i can back to my room, like i walk past ppl when i come from or go to the dining hall or classes and i usually am hungry or tired so sometimes i wanna go back to my room but other times i dont but i dont have much to say, but i think i've always been quiet with ppl i dont know, but how do i go from being quiet to being friends with them, thats the part of the equation that i am just drawing a blank on...did i meet alot of ppl through classes, and then i'd see them out when i was doing something crazy or at a party, or did i just meet everyone through matt?

this is another pattern, i went to a new grade school in 3rd grade and i was a nerd, glasses, good grades and i was very quiet, i would have witty remarks in class but i whisper them to ppl around me like wachtler and he had a way with the teachers so he'd say my stuff out loud and get a laugh. i decided in 4th grade not to be a nerd anymore and i shocked my mom and told her i wanted to change and she was all for it. i changed my image, got in trouble with teachers and became known as funny and crazy, on a side note i started my alcholism in 5th grade as well by 8th grade i was friends with everyone. then i went to highschool where i knew a few ppl and i stayed in alot but i was happy with that i enjoy my family and could always occupy myself, i just figured i was the kind of person who didn't always need to be active and moving around, but slowly through highschool gradually and in large part thanks to matt i got out more and more and met more and more ppl until senior year when i always had to be doing something and but i had a great group of friends that somehow magically appeared and it wasn't any effort to do anything even if it was just hanging out at my house or in Famous Footwear parking lot... i don't know where the transition happened i suppose just through time and no doubt this is just the cycle repeating, i know some ppl but i stay in alot and eventually it will all fall in place just in time to leave it all behind again, but this time i dont have a matt, maybe another catalyst will appear but if it doesnt, does that mean the cycle falls apart and i stay this way? Do i finally need to grow up and do it on my own, i mean i had a lot to do with my metamorphosis, i became myself and opened up more and was active but i don't remember the details so i don't know how much i did or what it was...

anyway i'm still trying to figure out my life but i'm optimistic and happy in general, now if i could just drop math i'd be doing great..

also i got my technique down for riding the rail and i'm the man!
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Wednesday, October 16th, 2002

Subject:its not the place but the company u keep...
Time:3:24 am.
Mood: complacent.
Music:folk implosion - natural one.
i couldnt see very well today, i dunno if its cuz i slept in my contacts or if its cuz i'm sick and i am mal nutritioned or if my damn eyes are trying to escape my miserable body as well... i just couldnt focus on anything everything was blurry...

i realized that i havent been to a dining hall in 4 days, i keep just sleeping through meals or neglecting to leave the room and i have been eating chips and dip and candy, cereal and water and excedrin...i made ramen twice and easy mac once, some corn pops and cocoa pebbles and finished off 5 cans of dip, bags of BJ's size fritos, ruffles, doritos and half a bag of cheese doodles (which i broke the bag so they are in a bowl and got stale after 2 hours so im eating them slowly and grudgingly)

my mom said my groundbreaking nosebleed may be the first one i've ever had cuz she cant remember me ever having one either, and she also said it probly from excessive excedrin nose still aches and is either very dry or runny but mostly very dry and throbbing..

i have a new hobby doctoring photos and making makeshift very very basic animations on the computer, but it gives me something to do other than tv and its a creative outlet..i actually look forward to going back to the room to work on an idea i had when i'm out so it makes me happy for the time being..

i got a 69 on my business test but he gave us a good curve cuz the class average for our class was 66 and the other one was 57 so i ended up with 83 woopdeewoop yay!

i have carried the pack of cloves i bought yesterday in my pocket all day and its been killing me but i havent smoked one..i went to smoke around midnight and i was walking down the hall and Jardin said out of nowhere "u smoke today?"
me: "what? not today man"
Jardin: "do u smoke weed or ciggarettes"
danwho: "both but not regularly and not today"
Jardin: "ciggarettes will kill u, im dissapointed in u man,"
dannyboy:"u should be, im dissapointed in me too"...
...that was out of the blue i didnt have a ciggarette in my ear, i didnt say im going to smoke now nothing he just sensed it and it was like a i got a bottle of water and then went back to my room without smoking, he saved me for one more day...but then the burning in my pocket got worse and i went outside around 3am and smoked, u silly fuck...take that god and ur signs!

but something good came from it...i found my spot on campus, i was looking for a place i could go to for peace and fresh air that was out of my room and for the meantime i seem to have found it, it has an over hang but is open on both ends, a bright wall sconce light for reading, a good view, but yet out of the way of daily traffic, and its right below my beloved riding rail, so im set i think...

i have a gcom group meeting tommmorow, we're gonna play pool at 12:30 and then we're learning first aid in Mil Sci...
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Monday, October 14th, 2002

Subject:Lemme thrill u with my tv schedule!!!!
Time:2:06 am.
Mood: blank.
Music:the same 6 songs for the past 8 hours.
lazy sunday slept ate chips and dip and watched tv...i watched the fucking stupid angels beat the twins and then some stuff on comedy central including the over-advertised, over-hyped made-for-tv-movie, Porn and Chicken (ehhh), and then some adult swim and then Trading Places on TLC, which is a great show.. thats how boring my day was if i have to describe each show i watched, lucky for me i was only awake for about 8 hours today...matts been doing school work all day, writing a program for CompSci and hes been coming to me for, get this, math help, hahahah but i have actually been somewhat helpful..he has been playing the same 6 songs over and over all day: some fugees, some bob marley, a dance rave song, a hip hop/dance remix...their all good but its been the same handful all day..

i remember most of my night last night but i guess climbing wooden plank fences and rolling down hills and riding railings and falling alot left its toll cuz im feeling achy all over.. i have bruises on my hip, my neck is sore and i cnt move it too far to either side and whatever organs are located in the small of the right side of my back have atrophied, that area often hurts but today it was one of the unbearable ones where i couldnt maintain certain positions like sitting up. in addition i am gettin sick, i have a sore throat and alternating runny/stuffed noses..
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Subject:too empty, achy and bored for sleep
Time:6:08 am.
Mood: blank.
Music:devil in jersey city/sweet (new favorite song, thanks dave).
i decided not to go to sleep tonite cuz im on really weird hours and it would be tough to fall asleep any time before 6am and if i went to sleep after 6 theres no way i'd get up for classes. despite being on the verge of a cold, im gonna deprive myself sleep in some hopes of getting out of this cycle of waking up after 6pm and staying up past 6am, but if i quit the cycle i'll have to quit winnie the pooh so who knows, plus with my class schedules being so opposite on alternating days i cant really get on a healthy pattern.

so i played some NES and SNES on computer emulators, read a little, shaved, watched winnie the pooh, and played with the sims and a program i dloaded to make the pictures that u can buy and hang on the walls in the sims..i have hw for history but for some reason i cant ever make myself do it on sundays i have to wait till the 3 hrs between classes to do it...

so much to do and say but yet i dont feel like writing any more i'd just rather spend the next 2 hrs before i get ready for class staring into space through my smudged kinda numb cuz i took some excedrin to ease the full body aching, and now im shaking and staring at the screen and it feels like when a camera for a cliche teenage show, does a quick dramatic zoom from wide shot to closeup to the sound of the record needle being yanked off the phonograph. i zone out and come back to that feeling every few minutes and i cant stop bouncing my leg...but i dont ache anymore
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Subject:a wonderfully perfect October day- crisp, clear, still & bright
Time:12:37 pm.
Mood: refreshed.
Music:Alk3 - goddamnit.
i didnt sleep last nite so there was no way to miss class...i went to buruss hall at 9 for my 905 math and i forgot my schedule and couldnt find the class, i knew it was downstairs but i didnt kno what room, so walked around looking for familiar students goign into rooms but i only know a few kids from math so i went and explored some of campus and enjoyed the beautiful fall day and found mikes convenience store where they sell cloves...

i checked my mail and low and behold the mysterious package david sent me was there along with a phone bill, i have to pay 5 bucks a month and i didnt even make one phone call from my dorm room...davids package was fun and much appreciated, a picture of him with a note, some stickers, an alkaline trio cd and a bracelet which i will never take off...thanks buddy...

in Gcom i finally talked to my teacher and she said i had a zero for not showing up for the speech and that her email has been down thats why i didnt get any response from her...however thank god that no one in my class read the textbook on how to give a speech cuz they all did it wrong and, she's never done this but our classes grades were so bad that she is giving everyone including me a chance to redo the same speech and she'll average the 2 the best i can get is a 50 but thats fine cuz i'm lucky that i can now pass the class at all...woo hooo...

since its columbus day and lots of folks have off, its an open house here and theres tour groups everywhere, i like being overly nice to them and making them think everyone is nice...thats how they got me, but i visited on a weekend when everyone was drunk so of course they were nice...

oooh oooh also i got my first nosebleed, or at least the first one i've gotten since i started forming conscious memories, perhaps one time coked up in vegas with some chinese businessmen and high class whores but that wouldnt have been conscious or nose was pouring and i thought it was just runny and it was flowing so fast it got all over the floor and then since my neck is sore i couldnt lean back so i laid down on the floor till it stopped...exciting!

and whatever organ is in my lower right of my back, spleen/liver/kidney/pancreas/?, its not getting better but instead is throbbing more and harder, i think its trying to escape my wretched failure body, or its just answering my calls for death or is dead from abuse...
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Sunday, October 13th, 2002

Subject:scream saiyanora
Time:5:31 am.
Mood: rejuvenated.
Music:"dont let them scare u...when ur down on the floor bleeding".
mystery science theater 3000 is still on tv, 9am on sat on sci-fi yay!! i stayed up last nite rite through until noon this afternoon and fell asleep watching ferris buehller...i slept til 8pm...and wasnt planning on going out...marc called and it was good to hear marcs voice on the phone..then angel called...

i went out with angel and nicole, we went places and then i went wandering and i climbed up a drainage ditch and some rocks and climbed afence, a wood one it was rough and i text messaged my friends incoherently and then i slumped under a window in some development and i was eavesdropping on some couple having a fight,and then angel called me and they heard the ring and i ran as they said what was that noise and i climbed the fence and rana nd fell alot but made it back to the party and we went to the bus stop and some we found a shopping cart and some kid rode down the hill but jumped out real soo n like a ussy 2 times so then i got in and as i went 2 feet the cart fell over and a undercover cop pulled up and told my pusher,'homeless dave' (the kid who pussied out and usually works the kegs and has an orioles hat) that he had to bring the cart back to food lion which was no where near here cuz he was in possession a cart illegally, we all laughed at the cop and he left and dave started back towards food lion and then threw the cart in the bushes.. walkin home after the bus ride to cmapus i jumped over into some bushes cuz i thought i could clear them and i hit my head hard and angel and nicole laughed and then i peed and we pressed on. i walked to sheetz and bought 3 types of dips for chips and cashew nuts...

on the way back from sheetz i layed down in a field on a plateau and slept for half an hour or maybe an hour i dunno and went back to my room and ate dip and talked to matt and talked online, then i wa hot so i went into the shower but forgot i was wearing clothes and then went outside with a bottle of water and fritos and cheese dip.. everyone kept asking why i was soaked and i told them i showered cuz i was hot but no one seemed to understand, but ppl liked my fritos but one of the RA's said the cheese dip looked like cat food and then i couldnt taste anything but catfood and half of smell is taste and half the campus smells like dogfood so hey now...i talked to my RA tony and charles from 2 for a bit they are both cool, then i went to joshs room and watched porn with him, neal, charles and andy mac. andrew moved into joshs room today cuz he the school was gonna give him a roomate, now it has bunks and 2 tvs and its still 1000 times cooler than my room, thenm charles went out to find girls to watch pron with us but never retunred...

im glad i went out and its 530 and me and my honey roasted cashews are gonna watch winnie the pooh and call it a night...
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Saturday, October 12th, 2002

Subject:"flap like a bird, jump like a fish, sit down, stand up, wish, wish, wish"
Time:6:33 am.
Mood: energetic.
Music:winnie the pooh theme 'pooh bear, winnie the pooh bear'.
i love late night infomercials, Chef tony is the man, o god hes so good, i watched the miracle blade 3 infomercial 4 times tonite on 3 different channels, and hes got another great product called the ultimate chopper and i think its another winner and it, get this, comes with a miracle blade as well, this guys insane...him and his engineeers who come up with this stuff are geniuses, they are true innovators

have u seen the one for Zumba, o boy thats crazy too looks like a blast if ur a hot girl, gay man or senior citizen. tony little and his gazelle glider, hes such a weirdo what a goof. and body by jake..i dont trust any workout machines that use rubber bands for resistance i dont care how little space it takes up or how comfy the padded seat is. and ron who sells those "set it and forget it" rotisseries hes a creep, his machines look cheap and his mercials are so fake and cheesy. and stuart pankin with his foot pain remedies thats too medical to be entertaining even tho i loved pankin in honey i shrunk the parents. billy mays is not half bad and his products seem chemically revolutionary enough to be believable yet an unbeleivable value, hahahha but nobody, nobody beats chef tony...the best deals, the best products, i trust him like a brother...

i watched suicide kings tonight, im a sucker for a jay mohr flick and throw in dennis leary and christopher walken that spells F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C.

and since i was up at 5:30 i watched the new adverntures of winnie the pooh on disney, i bet i've seen every episode and i can say remember alot of the dialogue...this smornings installment was the one with the wishing star...where pooh thinks he wished it out and he wants to help his friends wishes come true. piglets wish to make a snowman, tiggers wish for a clone, and rabbits wish for no more bugs...a classic...

then ALF is on now at 630 on hallmark channel, there is no reason to ever sleep!

ALF and more mercials till some saturday morning cartoons come on. i gotta watch bear in the big blue house at 7 cuz i saw a commercial for it and his voice sounds just like david wain from the state...and at 7 and 7:30 tom hanks's ancient sitcom Bosom Buddies on TBS, where wise cracking hanks and his coworker cross dress to keep an apartment..hilarious....

im not tired at all, i wish i was in NJ but hey chef tonys here to comfort me...
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Friday, October 11th, 2002

Subject:i wish i new jersey bound
Time:11:39 pm.
Mood: numb.
Music:coheed and cambria - devil in jersey city (sweet).
friday night with standup comedy on the central and the twins and angels and pain killers....some girl called me on my cell and claimed to be cindy. she said we met last weekend at a party and i was like aha ur lying cuz my parents were down last weekend and i was with them, i didnt go out....and she's like no im sorry it was 2 weeks ago, and im like what at the 80's party and shes like uh i dont know, and im like well i thats where i was and shes like o yeah at smitty's and im like yeah, and she tried to play it off like she went there after another party but now she remembered. she got really pissed that i didnt remember her, and i apologized and said i really didnt remember giving my number to anyone but these 2 girls, one that looked like rizzo from grease and one that was nicknamed chippy and i danced with them and they came over the next night, & she got mad that i mentioned other girls when she called me and i remarked that she sounded alot like the rizzo girl and then she went off that chippy was a gay name and she had never heard of anyone named anything like she bitched at me and said that we hooked up and i gave her my number and she couldnt believe i didnt remember. Now i was very drunk but i dont remember that at all so i thanked her for the prank call and told her to enjoy the laugh after she hung up and that i didnt believe her for a second but goodluck with the whole lookin like rizzo thing...
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Thursday, October 10th, 2002

Subject:i love chef tony and his knives
Time:1:43 am.
Mood: excited.
Music:casio keyboard theme from miracle blade 3 infomercial.
i love the miracle blade 3 and chef tony, these are the greatest knives and informercial ever, i cant stop watching i love it so much, i wish i had a use for knives, if i had a kitchen i would jump all over this 39.95 steal of a deal.

also i saw the video for aerials by system of a down and i started crying, it was this time last year when i'd drive my dads explorer around with matt and friends listening to system's toxicity CD, goign to parties and football games, i love it and i miss my old life so much.

i wish i had a memorable voice like joe mantegna, jeff goldblum or david duchovny so i could do voice overs for commercials for a living, thats like not even working or if i inherited a pro sports team like little big league...i cant see working for the rest of my life...i cant even do it now

but fucking the miracle blade 3 is so fucking cool
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Subject:yikes just yikes
Time:6:12 pm.
Mood: complacent.
Music:Aquabats - powdered milk man.
in history today some kid 3 rows down and to my right was telling some girls that Super Troopers was the worst movie he had ever seen, it pained him too much to watch, it was worse than Pitch Black which he said sucked very hard, he said it was bad several times and each time he'd look up a bit to see if anyone was listening, you could see he was looking for an argument so i played along and stood up, with a big smile,pointed at him and yelled Blaspemy!, i drew some looks and we got into a heated discussion about the movie while a bunch of people attracted by my yell listened, i feel i won the debate and most of the onlookers agreed with me, that Troopers is nonstop laughs front to back...

Dr. Hyser said in history also that JMU students are disfranchised like the freed slaves during reconstruction. things are made very difficult for us as students to vote, voter registration in Harrisonburg is aroung 6000, Republicans just barely outnumbering Democrats. 15,000 students go to JMU. but registration is one friday a year from 8am to 10am, and thursday is party night at JMU, Playboys #25 party school in the country, so only about 3,000 students register. However, the elections are held a week after students leave in the summer, so almost no students vote at all, bastard townies are scared of us. "JMU students could run this town, we could make it legal to make cake parties mandatory...and legal to pee on cop cars in public."

i think i did ok on my business test...thanks to some concentration provided by the good folks at dexodrine...

i saw mike and told him about gcom and he compared me to mike cook, and told me that i was killing him..he's my unofficial mentor and he's not really getting through i guess...

everyone has their music going and seems really ready to party, even though its raining which hurts people wo just wander without a set party but whatever its another fun thursday night of tv and snacks for this failure of a human being....

i wish i was going home this weekend....
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Wednesday, October 9th, 2002

Subject:Call me Ben Stein cuz i write speeches
Time:3:43 am.
Mood: tired.
Music:Spacehog - In the Meantime.
i was dying on this speech thingy, i have to go today and i needed a topic and 5 sources, an outline, notecards and a speech and i had no topic. the topic has to be something you have a passion for or some background in, that the class will not be bored stiff by but yet has to be informational and serious, and has to be 5-7 minutes long.

slept late today, went to business and got dinner with matt and elliot

we had a fire drill tonight so since the last one took an hour i went to sheetz and was bored so i bought cigarettes and smoked a few. I came back and it turns out the drill was like 5 mninutes today. i couldnt think of a topic so i watched the twins game for a lil bit and then went for a walk looking for inspiration...i decided on a topic on how my boss let me come to work and leave whenever i wanted and i actually worked harder to get stuff done while i was there to make up for it and the flexibility, equality and independence of employees leads to productivity. i was gonna go look for sources but i saw nicole and she told me the library was closed but she showed me how to find sources from the library online..

while walking i found some cool stuff, like a railing thats in the middle of some stairs that travels from the 2nd story without break, its really long and steep, its such a good ride down on my ass but i hit the end hard where it flattens out. ill have to work on my technique, i rode that a few times and i also found a cool climbing tree and climbed it and explored the construction sites behind campus.

i have all my sources but i am working on the outline now and ill do some quick notecards, most of the speech is gonna be adlib from the heart cuz its something i know about.

oohhh ooooohhh i forgot, we made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in business class, we have a test next class and all we did today was make sandwiches, it taught teamwork and how to reengineer an assembly line system to make it more efficient or something...

o and neuman said Mr. Liu took attendence in math last class, so i guess the party is over...

i'm so tired i bet i dont wake up for this cursed speech, that would be ironic and sucky
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Time:6:12 am.
Mood:collapsed in a heap smiling.
Music:something by alkaline trio.
i finished the speech o boy o boy o boy, "im tired, all these drinks and drugs no longer help" alkaline trio davey boy,,,,,,,,,,,im so tired and my back hurts and i am getting a sore throat and an earache, and im dying tommoorow, did i did i, do it right, did i did i" davey

my aim has a problem and wont work, im pissed, if i had finished half an hour earlier i could have watched winnie the pooh, my alarm is set for 7 cuz matts clock is on the fritz, howmy gonna deal with that alarm in an hour,, i gotta sleep im oggnna be so dead for my speech i bet it will suck......

imk lookin at 6 bottles empty of water, an empty box of corn pops and half a pack of stupid gay ciggaretes but im done and now im gonna go get 2-4 hours of sleep depending on goign to math or IM NOT>>>>
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Subject:cockle twostep
Time:9:54 pm.
Mood:y isn't suicidal a choice?.
Music:elliot smith - needle in the hay.
I haven't done one thing right since i came to college. I havent partied too much, i am failing classes, i haven't met more than half my building and i rarely go to the other side of campus. i dont have friends, i dont have fun, and i am still not doing well academically. I FAILED GCOM FOR THE SEMESTER! i stayed up until 7 finishing my speech and stupidly i tried to sleep for 3 hrs. i set the alarm for 10 and i dont know what happened, i must have gotten up and turned it off but i have no memory of it. I woke up at 1 and freaked the fuck out. My teacher constantly tells stories of ppl who got zeros on the speeches cuz plagiarism or other fuckups and they automatically fail the whole class. She constantly tells stories of how she doesnt give second chances. She said the last class b4 that the only way to miss a speech and get a second chance was with a medical excuse. So when i got up i asked matt to break my arm and i was dead serious, he said he would and i called my mom to ask if since my class was at 11:15 and i didnt go to the hospital til 1:30, would my teacher buy the excuse, and my mom told me just to tell the truth which i usually agree with and cuz it was easier i just emailed my teacher apologizing and begging for a second chance even tho i know there is no hope of gettin one. So i take the class again next semester and this time i pay for it, i will also probably be taking math again and paying for that, my mom said since math is my weakness that i can get a C and she wouldnt make me pay for it. But i may not pass math and if i do it will be just barely so i'm gonna be paying or that. and i guess i pay for Gcom twice. fuck its all my fault. she changed the all A's and B's rule to if i dont get an A or B in a class then i build up a tab that i pay back for each class i dont ace. So my parents still seem to be paying room and board, i just pay for my classes unless i ace them.

i repelled off the eight story Eagle dorm, it was fantastic despite the fact i was stone faced and depressed the whole military science class except for the actual repelling. I went daring and took large jumps and let alot of rope out and went very fast it was a rush, just falling down 3 or 4 stories at a time. i really wouldnt have minded plummeting to my death but they have precautions against it. and then i returned to my dorm and the thoughts of Gcom and the fact i have a business test tommorow.i was thinking about going across the hall to the count and asking what he has to kill a man but make him happy as he goes, i bet hes got tons of shit for that...but i have a test and im tired depressed and have a headache...scientists really need to perfect those motivation pills that i fantasize about
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Tuesday, October 8th, 2002

Subject:arrghh and roar and whatnot
Time:12:48 am.
Mood:uncreative, unproductive.
Music:INXS - need you tonight.
Those advertisements for compilation and greatest hits cd's that play repeatedly on tv, are smart, cuz i dont make it a habit to buy cd's and i am compelled each time to call the number immediately buy whatever they are selling

i need a topic for my speech, i have no problem public speaking anymore as long as i am prepared, if im second guessing my topic the whole time i wont be prepared and i will faulter...the topic has to be informative but interesting for a class to want to pay attention to for 7 minutes...

i am homesick, seeing my family for a weekend was great but now it reminded me of how much i miss them, plus everyones goign back to jersey this weekend and i'm not and that sucks..

i ate alot of doritos and drank seventeen 20 ounce bottles of water, i peed a lot... thats about it
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Monday, October 7th, 2002

Subject:Family Fun
Time:1:20 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music:AFI -6 to 8.
My family came down this weekend for parents weekend and it was really great to be a family of five again....

they brought a lot of food and water and supplies, and we went shopping for more, we went to the football game but everyone had tickets and assigned seats to deal with the large attendence so painting our chests wasn't happening because we all couldnt sit with our parents and each other, no biggie, but we only have 2 more homegames so we need to do both of those...

played raquetball with david and alex at UREC, its a fun game, i doubt i ever make it back to play again but its fun..

my mom made me do laundry and it was so easy, but they brought down so many more clothes that i wont have to do it again ever or at least not before christmas, except maybe underwear and socks...

it was also my dad's birthday on sunday so i stayed in the hotel with them and gave him presents and we went to church as a family and all this made my mom quite happy to have all her boys together for as long as possible...

the Yankees were eliminated by the Angels, the magic wasn't there for the bombers, how many times can u win and still have that magic where everything goes right? time for the young and hungry teams of the AL to take a turn...

My Gcom test was a 78.5, not too bad but i thought i aced it. i have to give my 5-7 min speech on Wed and i still dont have a topic...

I also have a Business test on Thursday, yikes and i should be reading my 400 page novel for History cuz the paper on it is due the 22nd

Desieno and I am trying to work out me getting to UDEL this sat for the Cocks/Dukes game, having a car would rock, i bet i could steal a car, one of the ones that ppl rarely use and return it before they noticed it was gone...(JK, if any internet autthorities read this)
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Saturday, October 5th, 2002

Subject:"i have a lot of anger, towards carol, the kids ..but mostly at this guy, me..i hate me"
Time:12:23 am.
Mood: thirsty.
Music:Deftones - Change.
i stayed up last this morning til 630am watching the state, matt came in at 545, fell down alot and complained he had to get up in 2 hours and then ran through the halls "wreaking some potomac havoc", i asked what he did and he said "everything man i did everything to this place"...i saw a piece of paper advertising the hoobastank concert that already happend on the floor i guess hes pretty bad ass hahahahah

i slept till like 5 and watched jay and silent bob with elliot and matt, and got dinner with josh, the U, and waited for my parents who were supposed to be here around 9, but my cell was on silent and so when they called around 10 i didnt get the call, we all watched the yankees in our respective locations and we're gonna get breakfast tommorow morning at 9...

joshs room is so cool, he doesnt have a roomate and he made one of the beds into a couch and he stole a coffee table from the lounge and the doors always open and he has fish and the rooms well decorated...i fucking love it but it makes me feel worse to go back to my own room...

i smoked the very last of what i had and danced in my room by myself for awhile stopping only to watch people and their parents in the hall through my peephole..

i ate some protein bars and did alot of pushups and jumped an invisible jumprope, and drew up some sketches to rearrange my room on sun with matt...hopefully i make enough room to jump a real jumprope...

its supposed to rain tommorow so the paint will be running off our chests but what must be done must be done....
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Friday, October 4th, 2002

Subject:'thats a snowman, i feel he's pretty sharp.'
Time:2:25 am.
Mood: dirty.
Music:Starsailor - good souls.
"You have the fucking weirdest sleep habits i've ever seen," is what my RA Tony says as i stumble to the bathroom with sleep in my eyes and without glasses or contacts, in my boxers and no shirt with my hair messed up, at 5 pm...and all i can do is say "i'm not sure..what? yeah, i'm pretty sure i missed my classes today.."

A waste of a day i didn't bother showering or putting on clothes...

I played a lot of the Sims...I moved up the military ranks to astronaut, and i am in love with joey romano, marty haggerty, ryan gilligan and bella goth...i guess my character is bi...

TV and music, popcorn, cheesesteaks, subs, pizza, chips, protein bars and tons of water..that was my day...

i talked to jardin down the hall a few times for a little and jon from gcom and business was in the cheesesteak line at festival so he filled me in on what i missed, we have a group project or something coming up...i also saw my war buddy matt at festival, he missed the bus to the quarry for paintball so i filled him in on the fun we had..

i put pictures up of all my friends on the wall behind my computer, so now i stare at that alot and listen to the tv behind me or the music....

Last nite when matt and chris came in and we watched dumb and dumber matt said we should reorganize the room so the tv and stereo were close enough to hookup together cuz i have the audio wires but they dont reach...he started suggesting ideas and then said 'i dunno whatever its too much work we'll talk about it later' i told him that i am practically an architect and that i'd undertake the measuring and draw up a few plans to talk about..he seemed quite impressed but then again he was high as a kite...

im gonna watch the dbz i taped today and then the state till matt comes in or i fall asleep...
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Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002

Subject:...JMU is #25 on Playboys list of top party schools...
Time:1:09 am.
Mood: curious.
Music:Led Zeppelin - The Battle of Evermore.
I think about airoplanes a lot. I wanna ride one today. Is it me or are there a lot of commercials or tv shows that incorporate airplanes or terminals, i see alot of it and it make me think Florida. I haven't been in a plane or florida in like 10 years. i didn't take notes in business but instead drew Florida and sketched the rest of the country and drew our flight traveling from newark to atlanta and then to tampa. I am once again counting down to December but Christmas is coming a week earlier for this lucky young boy...

in addition to Floridian Dreams, Birdhouse In Your Soul(thanks hot girl & high girl in 360something) & Alkaline Trio (thanks David)fill me with joy on a hourly basis....

Paintball tommorow, and the family comes down this weekend for parents weekend...

what will people of the future look back on in our daily routine and say i cant believe they actually did that...Like b4 indoor plumbing, i cant beleieve ppl went in outhouses...will ppl of the future be astonished we go to the bathroom and manuallly clean ourselves...will they just press a button and be empty, relieved and spring fresh instantaneously? If i created this new button operated system, would they say im going to the 'dan' to get 'szarejked'...this comes from the idea that john crapper created the first watercloset which may just be an old wives tale i dont know i dont have a wife...

Whenever i walk to classes instead of taking the bus i pass a building that has an outdoor air conditioning unit that buzzes like the mandolin in The Battle of Evermore by Led Zeppelin, just thought i'd mention it cuz its uncanny..

Why didn't i do laundry yesterday or today, i must smell horrendous, it has been over a month and i haven't done laundry once, i've long been out of fresh clothes, its amazin that i am makin more friends as i begin to smell worse...

Finally got a Yankees game here, thanks to the playoffs, so i watched that even with a Gcom test tommorow and i doubt that i'm prepared...

More uncanniness...Relieving pitcher, Ben Weber of the Anaheim Angels is the real life version of Daniel Stern's wacky pitching coach in the box office smash, family favorite, Rookie of the Year...

[I just made a decision after my post so im editing it now at 2:00: that i really want to watch winnie the pooh on disney at 530 this i am gonna study for Gcom from now 2:00 to winnie the pooh time! and then no sleep, i will probly be draggin for paintball but i gotta do what i gotta do]
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Subject:My Fatigues didn't get any paint on them but they NEED washing from the man stink...
Time:5:58 pm.
Mood: drained.
Music:Finch - Post Script.
Im the man at killin folks dead...i should go into business as a hitman...we played paintball and i was in one of the attacking squads. we came under fire just as we climbed down a cliff to the valley below. Me and another kid got separated from our sqaud for awhile and climbed through some brush to get to higher ground to see what was going on. we were being fired on from all sides and no one knew where the enemy bunker was. Once we got within view of the bunker, i was lightin those suckers up, i moved all around the bunker slowly crawling or runnin and diving, stopping at certain spots to shoot the hell out of the enemy. I was a pretty damn fine shot too, i was threadin the needle through the holes in the bunker and coverin those kids with paint. I took out some fuckers who were to the far outside around the bunker too, eventually one of our guys got the flag and me and another kid led him up the hill shooting at anything that moved. I shot one kid behind a tree dead but then he shot me anyway, but apparantly my body reflects enemy fire cuz the paintball didnt splatter just bounced off, left a little welt on my chest, i kneeled down for 30 seconds but since he was dead when he shot me and it didnt splatter i resumed and covered the flag as we made it to the road and victory...

I think i did very well on my Gcom test, it was pretty much common sense and what we learned in class, it was 35 multiple choice and ur pick of 3 from 6 short essays...which was nice cuz i knew exactly 3 of the 6...

i am so tired from lack of sleep and the all out warfare...i didnt get to watch winnie the pooh last this morning. i stayed up half studyin half falling asleep till 5 but it wasnt on, so i slept till 8, but decided to skip math to study for more but fell asleep during that anyway...

my mouth tastes like vodka right now, i dont have a clue why...

i wanna paint my chest again this weekend for the game but my parents will be here, i dont know if they'll sit by me or how that would work, they said they dont care what we do just as long as we do it together...

hoobastank is playing here tonight and Red Dragon is showing a free sneak preview but im so damn tired i just wanna sleep...

david had this in his away message and it is imperative that everyone do this:
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