Friday, November 21st, 2003

Time:2:44 am.
So officially i have the mono. bloodwork confirmed, and i feel better each fact i've been dancing, not professionally, silly, but full of energy, bright, bouncy, vibrant...and all smiles...feeling great, like a kid without mono. I really do feel better each and everyday, it may be just the overwhelmingly great feeling of being able to eat and breath and not throw up...Maybe thats the happiness, cuz it cant be from my grades SLASH isolation from most of my friends...but at least this can offer some insight into why i am always too tired to do anything ever and had my personal worst overall health month in memory.

maybe i'm in full recovery, and with some careful sleep and fluid intake, i can be rid of this mono soon, my past month of sickness could have been all mono related, despite the few shining moments of health, and now it peaked at my near throat collapse forcing me to finally see a doctor and take it easy and now the sleigh ride is at the bottom of the mountain, and mom says theres no time to trudge back up the hill for another go, its time to get inside by the fire.

whore-vertisingHow many people think the paris sex tape was not released by accident? I know that if i wanted to get a lot of buzz for an upcoming reality show and possible album, i might release a badly lit, only slightly demeaning sex tape from my clients illustrious past. I mean did it damage her so badly? We all knew she was a party girl, we know she's a whore, we know she is seen with many A and B-listers at hollywood type glam fests. We also know that she is a no-talent drain on the creative community, who is only in the limelight for being hot and rich...

Well how do you keep a whore in the news? Anyway You Can...especially if it involves whoring it up...easily done. Will America eat it up? Are their enough talk show monologues and or entertainment tabloid shows to fill up programming for countless 24 hour channels, i dont want to waste my time with math, but absolutely....Their are still people looking for this, their are still jokes in monlogues about the jokes are about her comments about how she is embarrassed and may change her party lifestyle....genious! just keep the balloon in the air, bat it a few more times

it hit its peak, and a huge peak it was, but the streams will stretch no doubt until her new show The Simple Life premieres on Fox, December 2nd and will you watch?..maybe, maybe not, but there's a much better shot you will when the country has had Paris Hilton on the brain for so long. It's the cheapest and simplest advertising you can buy...SCANDAL...all it costs is dignity, self respect, image...but thats not really what Paris Hilton was banking on anyway.
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Wednesday, November 19th, 2003

Subject:updates on health from the kid you kinda hoped had died
Time:3:02 am.
miracle weight losshey, i'm sick, i might have mono, blood work pending...doc says looks like mono, i have fevers and tonsilitis and all my glands all over my body are swollen

but i've lost some weight, 15 pounds or so, thats an actual picture of what i look like now, i dont weigh myself on a regular basis but you can see it in my makes sense because it has hurt so much to eat that i've gone eating nothing for days, only swallowing down some chicken soup, orange juice, apple sauce and pills, all of which felt like broken glass going down. I know that when i got weighed in the middle of the summer when i broke my foot i was 188 and thats usually around my weight..but when i got weighed on friday which was only a few days into my non-eating escapade i was down to 170...

and thats about when my tonsils, you know my hangy-ball got really swollen and elongated and could touch the back of my teeth, this was tough cuz if i moved my head or breathed the wrong way it would move from its resting spot on my tongue and go into my throat and gag me, causing me to throw up the nothing that was in my stomach, awesome huh? fuckin useless hangy ball, just cut it off at birth like the umbliilical chord or the foreskin.

my brother dave thought i should capitalize on this great weight loss technique, so let me know if you are a wrestler trying to make his weight, or just need to drop a few pounds real quick, and for 20 bucks ill cough and drool into your mouth, and voila! u'll be sick and in you too can lose 15-30 pounds in just a few days.

well im a little better today, the Prednisone im on is great for stoping gland swelling, so now my crotch, underarms, neck and throat are pretty much back to normal. My hangy ball is still being a dick, or more like a scrotum hanging and bouncing and laying on my tongue.

since my throat was cool today, i was able to ween back onto solid foods, which makes me happy, so maybe i wont get any more emaciated, i mean i have always been a stones throw, or a pebbles nudge from emaciated anyway, so losing weight is not really a great idea.

but this i can do, if this is it, long hangy ball, lots of pills, constant fatigue, solid foods, lots of liqiuds, lots of sleep, this i can do for a month or however long mono wants to stay...but that throat closed up to the point i can barely throw up no less breath shit, that had to go

I have to apologize slightly for my previous doctor bashing...I still stand by my comments but they may not have been warranted days before i needed serious medical attention and recieved it better than expected. my doctor, nurses and the even the woman at lapcorp that took my blood are the nicest people ever. i still dont enjoy the act of seeing a doctor, trying to relate what you are feeling to someone else, usually when you arent feeling well, and they play guessing games and tell you to come back when it doesnt work, so they can rule one thing out, and go after another, but when they really care, thats a great thing.

my doctor is a great smiley guy who really tries, and the nurse knew i had a fever and she got me a pillow and blanket and ice water and turned out the light and let me nap while i was in the little waiting room and the doctor wasnt ready to see me yet, now that is service...and the woman who took my blood was so nice and caring and gave me lots of advice on mono, and even made fun of my bad breath to ease my worries, which was rank cuz i couldnt swallow and i had a dead decaying hangy-ball sitting on my tongue and probably remnants of stomach acid of a gag episode on my teeth.

but the pharmacists at walmart blow, they had never seen a fucking new jersey insurance card, NJ wheres that?, isnt walmart a large company with stores over the US, and your computers cant handle a national insurance company like Blue Cross Blue Shield, because the plan holder's permanent address in NJ, i understand that some places dont take every insurance, and i even kind of can forgive that fact that i had to spend 45 minutes on the phone with my insurance company in at the receptionist's desk at my orthopedist when i broke my foot, so they would accept my insurance, even thougth the Blue Cross Blue Shield website doctor finder reccomended this doctor for me because i was supposedly "covered"...but a national insurance company and a national pharmacy, and they tell me to come back in half an hour and i get there and they hand my cards back to me and say "oops, we couldnt get it clear, so we dont have your perscription, i dont know what went wrong, wait 20 minutes, we'll try again"..i mean fuck you, i am having trouble breathing, feverish and im gaggin on my tonsils and you're fucking up my meds...ass

49ers quarterback, Tim Rattay, went to scotsdale community college, home of the Scotsdale Fighting Artichokes, fantastic stuff the research team at monday night football can find
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Tuesday, November 11th, 2003

Subject:ill play ur games, with ur sex with electric shocks
Time:6:02 am.
im sorry i have been both absent and spacey lately, but i've been sick, and not just with one thing, with multiple ailments all overlapping....with a few glimmers of health and/or self medication

i've been ailing for about 3 weeks straight with some sort of problem, not everything at once, but every day with at least a few of the following annoyances making every minute of the day being more painful than the last, my entire skeletal system ached, my muscles refused to hold my weight, and i had fevers, numbness, sweating and freezing, lower back pain, headaches, shooting pains in neck, nausea, diarhea, acid indigestion, sore throat, cough, tingling, dizziness, fatigue...and the overwhelming urge to turn my bed over sideways and use it as a wall and build a fort around it...

well kinda like im drunk cuz im into itthese urges for pillow and blanket construction are probably not part of any illness, but the cravings did start hitting me about the same time that i started getting sick, maybe just the need to be bundled up in a little sanctuary/biological quarantine tent...

so maybe theres something wrong with me, maybe i have the mumps, measles, the heebie jeebies, and the hypochandria that have been going around like wild fire this autumn...but try to convince me to see a doctor..go ahead...NO...yeah i know, but i dont that wasnt bad..try again...yeah, yeah, well you have a point there, uh huh, right i hear ya, and NO...see looks like im not buckling any time soon, so lets move on, we can always come back to that later, time permitting, if you think of any real good ideas on persuasion.

i really hate doctors, not the persons, but the professionals, if any doctors are reading this, go ahead and take offense, its free and its all yours. I know doctors are important, neccessary and do a lof of good, and my brother is trying be a doctor someday...but my opinion is i hate them, and if you want to let me die on the operating table someday because i said i hate doctors then go ahead...i mean i'm not racist or prejudice against anyone of a certain religion or culture, but can't i just group all doctors together and say i hate them, can't i just have that one group to hate blindly for no reason?

some people hate lawyers, and they make jokes and about them being scum and stuff and thats cool with me, i don't care..some people hate cats, they say mean things like cats are sneaky, lazy good for nothing whores, and i let it slide...some people hate milkmen, and there are alot less of active milkmen nowadays, whats that tell you? yeah, hate crimes...

im not saying lets hate crime doctors all over their faces, just let it be cool for me be sick and not want to waste my time in a doctors' office...when it is already painful enough being out of bed, no less being told things i already know, by a person who only really cares if my insurance is valid or not...

i could get into the details but most of its been done to death by standups, the waiting rooms, the smaller waiting rooms, the cold stethoscope, the surly nurses, the hours of paperwork and calling the insurance company when you switch doctors, the leaving of surgical tools inside the body and other malpractices, the diagnoseses of 'its probably nothing, come back in a few days if it keeps up', the lady who pokes your gums in the dentists office...yeah i hate dentists too, even more for the fact that me and my brother were subject of guinea pig experimentation...

thats me in the spotlightif you havent heard this story, i only tell it every so often having thought it was something i've told before, and not really being proud of it, but people always react like they've never heard it so maybe you dont know and my brother had an orthodontist, who by the way was 45 minutes away, and there were closer ones, but this guy wanted to give us a price break so he could try a new technique on since it was so far away, going to the orthodontist was always an ordeal, an after school day trip if you will...

so after driving forever and then waiting in the wating room, and then waiting in the examination room, this guy comes in, sometimes not wearing gloves...which im pretty sure is illegal...he paws at our teeth for a while and makes stupid jokes, you know the normal scum of the earth...

well my two eye teeth came in backwards, yes 180 degrees from the correct position...The gums had to be cut around the teeth and the teeth slowly turned, but not like in one painful shot, over maybe a painful month or two, slow torture with a system of elaborate pulleys and snow chains...

my brother had two rows of teeth on his bottom jaw, one behind the other, i dont know where all the teeth came from, they have since been fixed, im sure through some painful pulleys and levers as well...

i dont know if this "doctor" had wanted to do a study on us, because of our freakish teeth, but he said he was doing a study on a new form of jaw expansion orthodontics and wanted to use brothers as subjects because of similar teeth genetics...

so many pictures of befores, middles and afters, and lots of tireless manhours later, and me, my brother and our pearly whites were on a screen 50 feet tall at a series of orthodontic seminars and lectures and were features in some fanboy orthodontist enthusiast magazine, a very popular one as i understand, as far as stupid ass magazines are concerned.

and if THAT was my fifteen minutes, then i really hope some doctor reads this and refuses me care, when this case of feeble-loseritis flares up out of control.
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Saturday, November 8th, 2003

Subject:another sideways story from wayside school
Time:4:11 pm.
hazy confusioncrunch went this apple that sits on my desk, it does not crunch of its own accord from its temporary resting place, but the crunch is resonating in my head after each happy chewing motion, the apple having been bitten and laid down. what kind of apple is this, that i am enjoying so thoroughly? where did it come from, a local tree, in its freshness, the prime of its cycle not far behind it, couldnt have come from a great distance, and still have maintained the crisp bite that i have been delighting in.

little babies eyes, eyes, i'm trying to find myself, in different approaches, like in some way, the magic idealic notion will become clear and shine like a beacon from the amalgamation of all confused clouds, swirling always all the haze the unmistakeable answer is hidden in plain sight, easily decipherable...if you knew what you were looking for it would be found already...but instead you ramble on, and why not, whos going to hold that against you...they wouldn't dare, what have they accomplished that makes the world stop and melt at their behest?

know the audience, know they wont stand for this showy display of unorthodoxity, and not that you aren't grateful for the chance to be followed, but you've never been much of a leader. you try to be in the forefront in some of the more natural categories, the creatives, the originals, the quiet leaders...but always the sidestepper, always the secondary when it mattered. without useless pride, bigger than that, something about the context of self-respect but far from it, you've seen the attention getting escapades, the feverish attempt to draw them in, at any cost, so no it cant be cant be pride, you've covered this, its not pride, you understand more than anything, you are not better than anyone else, its a silly equality, but you try to live by it.

so what is it, respect for others? a moral stand, in some cases, but you're not overly moral in most respects, so thats not a reasonable umbrella to place over it, no that explains nothing...keep digging, theres a word, you've used it before, but now it hides from you, is it deep down, you know its not the right word, so you don't look for it? let the word come to light, so i can rip it down from the pedestal, if it is unsubstantiated...eluding me, and driving me crazy, you cant move on, until its in your grasp..a pause, collect your thoughts, its ok, it will come...when the pressure is gone...

you give in, thesaurus gives you alternates for pride...definitely not self-esteem, you sure hope arrogance is not a word others would give you, perhaps dignity...its a happy enough noun, with a good connotation, would they accuse you of snobbishness? i would doubt then its more of a revered word when the possible stuck-up connotation is thrown out, you don't think you are better than anyone, you might have this one small area more wrapped in swaddling clothes than another, but you can't do half of what you try as well as most others.

enough of this zoned out third person-esque, tense-shifting self-pondering...leaving with the thoughts of Allain de Botton:

"In conversations, my priority was to be liked, rather than to speak the truth. A desire to please led me to laugh at modest jokes like a parent on the opening night of a school play. With strangers, I adopted the servile manner of a concierge greeting wealthy clients in a hotel - salival enthusiasm born of a morbid, indiscriminate desire for affection. I did not publicly doubt ideas to which the majority was committed. I sought the approval of figures of authority and after encounters with them, worried at length whether they had thought me acceptable. When passing through customs or driving alongside police cars, I harboured a confused wish for the uniformed officials to think well of me."
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Wednesday, November 5th, 2003

Subject:this isnt usually how i play the game
Time:6:58 pm.
pain revisitedhey, i've been sick, still am sick and speaking of which this is so painful i dont even know why im bothering...ive got something disgustingly wrong with my body, just constant blinding pain...i have nothing in my head but little men playing deathmetal loud enough to drive hostage takers to surrender, so i was sitting in Philosophy today writing stream on consciousness during the lecture just to pass the time, and figured i'd put my mishmashed scrawlings up here because i really have nothing else, its a mix of crap and bits of philosophy i was overhearing, well whatever its all crap, and hey it will get you inside my head..and maybe you can tell the little men to turn their amps down, i need some sleep.

[forgot my book, brought notebook, why? i dont know, i never bring it. i wish i had qtipped i have water in my ears and its driving me slowly mad. thump thump thats the sound of my finger pushing my ear flap into my ear to tamp the water itch...individualism, liberalism- mill/collectivism- marx...fear the turtle, well yes its huge like a prehistoric beast. harm, utility, minority, one does with ones freedom, mill is interesting on this issue, because who do you worry about being harmed? the majority? government doesnt have the right to harm urself. suicide is illegal but other harm to urself is legal but harm to other is always illegal. governent cant restrict you from smoking or eating fatty foods, but drugs are illegal , im confused whats the point of the argument/lesson. seatbelts, drunk in public, motorcycle helmet laws these are all government things to protect you. in almost every situation someone else is effected by you self-harm.

i got drafted.. to the NBA?.. no to vietnam. forget your pie, forget your dad and his desire for a testosterone filled offspring. i hate this place, i hate living here, why couldntyouhaveusedacondom?..we didnt use a condom cuz your mother likes it raw...

karl Marx bothers, the brothers warner, yakko, wakko and dot, pinky and the brain, good feathers, "historocity" is that a word, a george bush word?

pain, pain, like you know your right or whatever that formerly unreleased nirvana song, my head is being stabbed like a cantalope cut in half and being scooped at with a sharpened melon baller

page 600 and i forgot my book, great, what do i do now, just keep writing, keep swimming just keep swimming, angel gonzalez, they call me speedy gonzalez, i took a 5 minutes shower today, so fast, speedy claxton, how did i get from keep swimming to angel? bougeiousie, proliteriat, bourgeiousie, music , madonna, guy ritchie, cowboy hate and lesbian limo, the working class people are smart enough, their are more of us than them and an entire revolution. bourgeious society...aristocracy, aristotle, plato, indiana jones game by lucas arts, he needed to follow platos map to find atlantis, i could never get past that one part, Lucas arts games were great. X-wing, Day of the tentacle with Maniac Mansion, the game within the game, Sam and Max was so funny and clever, what about that game with aliens and money was in the form of credits on a chip in your body and you got taxis from planet to planets. he's 48 going on 49, hes not that old, he said he was older than dirt, got the same bday as danny devito and scorcese..i think my bday is nicholson and i know its my cousins Jim's...thanksgiving, i love that day, warmth and family, football and over eating, great day of eating, the state sketch about thanksgiving is good, something about thanksgiving is an italian only holiday cuz columbus was italian and he would something something..ghandi, meatballs, that girl from JAG has nice website, class is almost over, i need to look over my music powerpoints for my test at 3:30 and listen to those samples.

test on friday in here.]

deep red brick stacked to the heavens,
stark contrast to bluest skies,
was deep red of embarassments weight,
caught telling lies
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Danny Who loves you.

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