Saturday, January 31st, 2004

One Liner: Danwho.net is in a rut...not just the Dot Net, but the Danwho Time of Death: 7:12 am.

When the majority of my home timezone is tucked away for the night, sharing a slumber most likely filled with cozy dreams, I'm here grumbling about myself again. This pre-dawn run-on about my personal idiosyncracies is ugly and self-serving and a total waste of both of our time. When I have to physically force myself to read over my own work a second time, for proofreading sake, then either I'm in a bad mood or I'm churning out dribble. I think its a bit of both. I'm getting a little bored of these fluff entries, I've got ideas but no drive to tackle more substantial topics. So i just recite the list of things I did today and maybe add an amusing anecdote and a cleverly turned phrase. So then I turn to other forms of tangible projects for my much needed sense of accomplishment. I reworked my site navigation and that was something I had meant to fool around with and now its done. I had wanted to put up some picture galleries and thats done. I had planned on learning flash but am still moving at a snails pace. I also would like to put up such classic movies as: Brushing My Teeth, The Red Scare, The World's Greatest Sporting Events, One Armed Tracy, the as yet unnamed vietnam project, and F-Words in Movies. Maybe I'll feature a new movie each month or something, but who knows when/if that will ever come to fruition. But back to todays marshmallow goo, I was kicked off of ebay the other day. And you're saying hey, big deal, I'm an avid danwho.net reader and I know that you've sold Pete and Pete and other such copyrighted materials on Ebay for quite some time, and that you've had your auctions removed quite often for Violating the Recorded Media Policy. And If that's what you said, then yes you are right and bully for you for recalling, but why dont you let me finish. The point is that this time my auction wasn't simply removed and a warning email issued automatically from one of Ebay's autoresponders. This time my account, danwho247 was suspended...from a rope hanging from a tree limb and....um...riddled with bullets too. Yeah the honeymoon seems to be over in the marriage of me and ebay. We have been forced to leave our extended stay in paradise where we spent our time humping on top of sheets made of copyright laws and conceiving a beautiful child whom we named Fistfull O. Dollas. So i guess I'm going to have to resort to other ways of repeatedly breaking the law in such an openly viewable forum. Here's me passing up an open chance at a string of funny examples, gimme a break its 7am saturday morning. But it seems after nearly a year on and off of violating their policy, and listing auctions of homemade recordings of programs that I do not hold the copyright on, their threats finally came through. In order to regain my right to use Ebay in any capacity, I have to sign a contract that I will never sell any copyrighted materials and if caught doing so I can be sued or prosecuted or something. Along with the contract I have to turn in copy of identification and like my W-2 tax return or some other financial statement. And if i try to get another screen name I could face permanent ban and prosecution or some form of punishment like being locked in the stockade in the town square in full drag or something. "Fuck off, I'm sick of talking about this with you"

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Friday, January 30th, 2004

One Liner: NyQuil Dreams Time of Death: 11:07 am.

"When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep and you're never really awake." Last nite i didn't sleep. I layed in bed from 11pm yesterday until 7am today. This is getting rediculous. I had napped during the day because i really needed to make up some sleep and was showig the first signs of a cold coming on. I mean there's snow on the ground and we sleep with the window open, and I had pulled 3 all nighters in the past week. My bad sleep schedule was the main result of quizzes in 8am classes and snow days. I stayed up all night the first time so that I wouldnt ignore my alarm as I frequently do, and miss my exams. The rest of the all nighters were to try to get back on schedule. Knowing that I would have trouble going to bed at a reasonable hour last night after napping during the day, I decided to take some Nyquil so that I could pass out early and get up for my CIS test at 8am. I have the makings of a cold in the works so the Nyquil is not out of place. I had however, taken it the night before as well. Wednesday night, I needed it to sleep because my cold was keeping me up, and I had a strange sleep experience. It was very uneasy, I woke up repeatedly during the night, which is uncommon for me. Its most likely because my body needed natural sleep and I was compromising with artificial methods. When I woke up on Thursday, i had no trouble getting up, but I was lethargic all day and felt somewhat numb like I had just taken Nyquil half an hour ago and was beginning my decline into slumber. This I attributed to the virus my body was grappling with, and is the reason I took a nap during afternoon. So back to last nite. I finished studying for my exam and wanted to turn in early, took nyquil around 11, and watched Family Guy and Futurama, assuming that during the second guest on Letterman that I would be unconscious. I felt numb and paralyzed laying there like I could feel the sleep creeping through my body, but I was still wide awake. This continued all night, I tried to empty my mind, I tried to focus on the sound of crashing waves, I tried repeating a mantra to bore myself out of consciousness. However, I would blink in and out of the brink of sleep. I would be laying there and notice the clock saying something like 2:34 and then i would wake up, feeling like I had misplaced some chunk of time and the clock would say 2:35. This happened for the entire night. Just jumping in and out of the first stage of sleep without ever getting into a sleep cycle, the only accomplishment skipping over a select minute or two at a time every half an hour or so. In a word, bullshit. "You need natural sleep, chew some valarium root and get more exercise"

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Monday, January 26th, 2004

One Liner: and it also has a cancel button in case you don't want toast Time of Death: 7:34 am.

I didn't go to sleep last nite, the second allnighter in three days. I did fall asleep for a few hours from 3pm until 8pm and cant sleep now, so it seems that I am going to be up again tonight. My hope was to get back on schedule from the previous up-all-nite-fest two days ago. This is dangerous ground as, last year I stayed up for days at a time and ended up with a 0.78 GPA first semester of my freshman year. This semester I'm serious about class but I have to be wary of my sleep habits, so that I don't miss my 8ams. Well since I was up on Sunday around 8am I went to McDonald's for breakfast and watched the MST3K that I had taped from 9am Saturday morning. I had been to MickeyD's recently and seen the Breakfat Burritos and decided to get one whenever I was up in time. So i got the number 8 or whatever it was with the two burritos, hashbrown and OJ and then I got a sausage Mcgriddle. I like the McGriddle part, the griddle cake things, but no matter what they put inside it, it will make me puke. The girl at the window threw in an extra hashbrown. Either she wanted me, it fell on the floor, she made a mistake, or maybe she didnt put it in and some sweaty man who was making eyes at me from the kitchen did. Either way, score, extra hashbrown. Grease-central but tasty nonetheless. That might be the only part of the breakfast that doesn't make me sick. McDonald's Breakfast has never agreed with me. For some reason, I feel its almost an obligation to get breakfast there if by some chance I am up early enough and not at a class. Its like, well I'm up, I guess I better get a Mcmuffin, cuz whats the odds I'll ever be up this early again. But I don't particularly like the taste and I can never stomach the crap. The eggs make me nauseous and go right through me. The sausage always has hard gristle balls in it that make me want to throw up. The steak, egg and cheese bagel made me terribly ill the one and only time I had it. The grease from any of their products turns the bag translucent, which cant be good for you. Even the orange juice, made from concentrate of course, leaves a burning sensation and doesnt seem to sit right, but maybe thats just because the solid food has already made an uneasy landscape to traverse. I don't know why I do it to myself every time. Is it Adam Sandler's riff about the social importance of the McDonald's breakfast in Big Daddy? Is it something from my childhood trips with my parents that triggers a memory of carefree youth associated with gelatinous eggs? Is it because McDonald's has programmed me through marketing and happy meals to believe that they can do no wrong and that I will enjoy the breakfast this time? I found this story about McDonalds new guidelines for its hen farmer egg suppliers. It's nice that they are looking out for the hens, expanding their personal space from a stifling 8.5 inches x 5.5 inches per hen to a luxurious 8.5 inches x 8.25 inches. But personally I was shocked. Shocked that McDonalds actually uses real eggs. I had just assumed that the yellow prefabricated fluff was made from powder containing no actual semblence of egg and molded into McMuffin patties. The McMuffin patties egg content claims to contain just "USDA Grade A eggs." Insanity, I never would have guessed. However according to the ingredients on the McDonald's website, the breakfast burritos are made with "Sausage Scrambled Egg Mix: Pre-cooked scrambled eggs [....blah blah blah]," AND "Pre-cooked Sausage Crumbles [...blah blah blah], vegetables (....blah blah)" (x). Sounds Tasty. I spent most of my evening and early morning today updating my subpages, which are still not complete. This site is getting closer to where I planned on being at a much earlier date. I updated my Pete and Pete and Project: ALF pages, and finally started on the task of my pictures section. I had more fun making the main pictures page than anything else, but only have two galleries up so far, both of which are mostly pictures that were already online. I'm actually working on finishing the rest of the gallery sections as opposed to the past six months where I have just made empty promises to Ryan Gray about its eventual completion and did nothing about it. Well its snowing and unless classes are cancelled in the morning, school is delayed at least until noon, and since all my classes are before 10, that means no school for me. So I get off on delayed openings, so i guess thats one good thing about having all your classes before lunch. So maybe I'll use this chance to get back on schedule. "Kids Know What's Cool, They Can Learn About Willie Munchright in School" (x).

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Friday, January 23rd, 2004

One Liner: And now its time for a little fun for everyone, danwho self-realization Time of Death: 11:03 am. Audio: Matt and Emily- Wait for Jane.

I am not friendly. How about that? In fact, I'm very unfriendly. I am however very nice, one of my biggest flaws. Don't let this confuse you. I guess I should have noticed that I'm not very friendly, but its just kind of hitting me now. Listen I'm not getting emotional on you, I'm sitting here grinning from ear to ear, and when i was thinking about writing this while walking to class it was the first time I'd smiled all day, but i guess happiness is an emotion, so i am getting emotional, i apologize. It's a pain in the ass being this nice, if I'm so unfriendly that everyone thinks I'm an asshole. The main problem is not smiling. I used to smile all the time, I still smile like an idiot when Im with my friends, I'm sure it gets annoying for them, having nothing interesting to add to conversations but an open mouth. But during class I'm a stone faced cretin. It's because I'm totally opposed to college the way it is set up, and things should be my way, if I'm to have to deal with them. But this is a rant for another more organized update that'll probably never write, but just keep making notes for. Today the big problem was that I decided not to sleep last nite, in fear of missing my two quizzes, one at 8am and one afterwards at 9:05. So on top of not being friendly, not smiling and not talking to anyone, I had a headache and was falling asleep. Oh yeah and it's fucking cold too. I still have teeth marks on my face from the biting cold winds. I used to equate the not talking to too many people in classes and not smiling on campus, unless I saw someone I knew, to timidness. I'm on and off again afraid of my shadow. Sometimes I'm getting high off adrenaline from being a moron fearing little and the next I'm scarred of being embarrassed or looking awkward, like a little mouse. But not Ralph the motorcycle riding mouse, he didn't take shit from anybody. And lets not forget Stuart Little, that little guy was balls to the wall twenty four seven. And Fievel, don't get me started, this guy took on all comers, immigrating in a storm and taking on the west one bad hombre at a time. And Monterey Jack of Chip and Dales Rescue Rangers, that guy was insane and he knew how to throw his weight around, reminds me of an australian David Wells for some reason. well anyway, when I was thinking about writing this update, smiling and mumbling to myself as I walked, getting sideways glances from my solo dialogue as always, I really only had the part about the mice in mind and the teeth marks from the biting wind line. I hadn't really planned on how I would end this. And this will have to do because I'm pretty damned tired from my all nighter, and I need some lunch and a nap. "I love that man, I would seriously have his baby, if he so asked me to" (Crazy Girl in class to the teacher, on the topic of Howard Dean)

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Wednesday, January 21st, 2004

One Liner: Feed Me A Stray Cat Time of Death: 4:08 pm. Warning: This is going to take awhile, try it in several sittings

I recently watched what is most likely the worst movie that I have ever seen to date. Now, I've seen my share of films, I own a few shy of 100 DVDs and consider myself an amateur collector/critic and who doesnt? But, I haven't seen everything. Especially movies that suck, theres a good chance I havent seen many movies that some of you would rank as the worst things you have ever seen. Unless its a sequel to a movie that I thoroughly enjoy, or is being made fun of by Mike Nelson, Tom Servo and Crow on Mystery Science Theatre 3000, then a lot of sucky ass films get by without me bothering to waste 2 hours on them. But while yelling at the tv, during the plodding horror that is Teen Wolf Too, I was thinking what are the worst movies that I have ever seen? I can think of three off the top of my head, and they are all sequels. I'm not making a list of the worst movies, or the worst sequels, because A) its been done... B) its too much effort, because if I were to do this, I would have to do it right and make a definitive list that I wouldnt want to change in a week.... C) I haven't seen enough awful movies to be able to give a good opinion, and I dont want to sit through some possible nominees just for a stupid list. I'm not getting into serious attempts at cinema that fell short, the Godfather III's, the Rocky V's, the Star Wars Episode I's. That doesnt bother me. Obviously, not every sequel is going to surpass the one before it, and eventually expectations play into the equation and people get upset, calm down. I'm only interested in the just make me angry, pull your hair out abominations. And I'm not talking about movies that are horrible but funny in their flaws. I'm not talking Soccer Dog, which I recently watched on the Disney channel, starring a dog and Ug from Salute Your Shorts as the ref. This isn't about MVP: Most Valuable Primate, where a monkey befriends a deaf girl with no friends in Canada and plays hockey on her brothers junior hockey team. This isn't even MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate, where the same monkey makes his way to Southern California and learns to skateboard with a homeless boy. These animal movies suck, no question. When the biggest expense on the budget is the monkey feed, you can't bank on a winner every time, but I rented the monkey ones, because I wanted a laugh, and I got one, good for me right? (On a sidenote, the same monkey just came out with a new one called MXP: Most eXtreme Primate, I think he snowboards or something.) I'm sure the two French Stewart vehicles, Home Alone 4 and Inspector Gadget 2 are probably worse than any movie by the makers of Air Bud, but might get a laugh or two at the rediculocity of even bothering to film them. As long as there are morons in this world, direct to video sales and dollars to be made, these awful sequels will exist. Theres no end in sight to Land Before Time installments, so dont bother looking for one. But this is not my problem. All three of my nominees for Worst Movie I've Seen That Made Me Physically Enraged, are sequels to three of my favorite films. What sets them apart, into a new level of abomination, is the fact that they sully the good name of the original. They couldn't just go down in flames, they had to claw and scrape at their predecessors. Teen Wolf Too (1987) -This is most likely the most awfully put together film ever. There are no transitions between time periods. Scenes jump around darting here and there in time like fruit flies on a 3 month old banana. There is no implied growth of relationship, no scenes to give the audience any idea of what is going on between the characters. Its a reel of forced clips from a film that was never really completed. For example, there's an over the top dance number that comes out of the blue, and doesnt make much sense. The main point of the movie is we weren't really trying. That's it. Sans Michael J. Fox or good directing, this is a story of a half-assed effort at a few dollars. Scott Howard of the original has a cousin. Todd Howard is played by Jason Bateman, Tv's David Hogan of The Hogan Family and Michael Bluth of Arrested Development. The college gives Todd a athletic scholarship for boxing because they hope he might become a wolf like Scott and lead the school to prestige, but then they are all shocked when he becomes the wolf. The wolf suit is cheaper than something you would see at an inner city YMCA Halloween party. The ADR voice-overs are horrendous, and the glowing red eyes of anger that accompany wolf-outs are really cheap, like someone went over the film with a red pen. Half the movie was shot in slow motion and sped up, like the parts when the wolf is driving his new corvette bought by the dean, to make the driving seem more dangerous. Most of the boxing scenes are done with awful special effects as well. Scott Howard's cousin, Todd gets driven to college by his uncle, Scott's Dad, played by James Hampton of the original. Now totally out of character from the way he acted in the original, Harold Howard changes into a wolf while driving, For Fun. Just to get people to stare and freak out his nephew Todd who is uncomfortable with the werewolf-ness and hasn't had to deal with that particular family issue yet and assumes it won't happen to him. We know better. Todd's roomate is Scott's old best friend, Stiles. Stiles is played by Another Actor. Stiles being there is a surprise to Todd, and uncle Harold, and to the viewer. His appearance is out of place, unrealistic and stupid. But you assume if Jerry Levine aggreed to do the second film, they would write him in, even if it was out of place, to bring some famililarity to the sequel in Micheal J.'s absence. But the original Stiles isn't in the film, and this new actor looks the polar opposite of the original, and even acts differently. Its a forced stupid move that removes any credibility from the film in the First Act. Mark Holton, of Pee Wee's Big Adventure fame, who plays Chubby in Teen Wolf, is back again for the sequel, somehow going from being an out of shape bad highschool basketball player to being an out of shape bad college boxer. Another returning character is coach Bobby Finstock from Scott's highschool basketball team, who is now a college boxing coach, but is played by Another Actor. Don't forget the attractive but not stunning girl who's a friend but wants to be more. The tough asshole from another school who competes against the wolf. And lets not forget the slut bombshell, who used to be with the tough guy, that the wolf picks over his friend who wants more. Make sure the slut goes back to the tough guy, the wolf has a catharsis, decides to be himself, comes out on top anyway, and chooses the girl he's friends with over the flip-flopping slut. And we're done, OSCAR GOLD right? 1 Not Completely Terrible Moment: Mad that he has become a jerk, Todd's lab partner, slaps him across the face with a dead frog and a frog fight breaks out in the science lab during dissection. This was perhaps the only part of the movie that was not cliche or annoying Caddyshack II (1988) -The least original of my three choices, this awful endeavor is on top of most peoples lists for worst movie or worst sequel. What were they thinking? They tried to recreate the original magic and by copying so closely, and failing so miserably, they tarnished the good name of the original, Chevy Chase and writer Harold Ramis. Ramis directed and co-wrote the first Caddyshack with Brian Doyle Murray, but only wrote the sequel and then washed his hands of the project. The entire movie is cliche and trite at this point. It's a characterature of the original with a slightly altered plot. The main plot difference being a father-daughter miscommunication. The daughter wanting acceptance by the snobs but eventually realizing her mistake. The father buying Bushwood country club but turning it into a full size mini-golf course, which probably seemed funny on paper but when executed is just tacky. Chevy Chase returns as Ty Webb but in a role that is only a little more than a cameo. Other than that, its a new cast but while they had the good sense to not have different actors playing the same characters, they had them playing eerily similar characters. It was like a cheap knock off of Caddyshack. Like The Ghostbusters cartoon was to The REAL Ghostbusters cartoon. Hack comic Jackie Mason, not to be confused with the genius of Jackie Gleason, plays a crude millionaire ala Rodney Dangerfield's Al Czervik. Dan Akroyd adopts a silly voice and plays a Bill Murrays as Carl Spackler-esque character, who is hiding in the bushes with deadly weapons while being bothered by a gopher. A gopher that looks less like the original and more like a cheap puppet from KB Toys that was sold to kids after the original. Robert Stack of Unsolved Mysteries plays the antagonist, a proper well-to-do country club eliteist who hates the crude new elements on his golf course, reminisent of Judge Smails played by Ted Knight in the original. Jonathan Silverman, plays the young good guy, Danny Noonan-type, and comes out on top in the end. Throw in some snobs, some slobs and Randy Quaid for wackiness and you've got one huge mistake. 1 Not Completely Terrible Moment: Dan Akroyd's secret communications with Robert Stack, where he assigns Stack the code name of Mrs. Esterhouse. In his very annoying fake high pitched/retard voice Akroyd calling a man Mrs. Esterhouse was the only time i wasn't scowling in anger. American Psycho 2: All American Girl (2002) -Starring Mila Kunis and William fucking Shatner in the sequel that should have cut its losses by not associating itself with the original, which is a stylishly fantastic psychological thinker of a film from the Bret Easton Ellis novel of the same name. American Psycho 2 is not from a book, or even a writer but two people who had never written a screenplay before. It is horrendous from the first death to the last. Failing to recreate the style or headgames of the original, it comes off as just cheap and not clever at all. The only reason I sat through it was, A) It was on at 4:30 in the morning and I was awake. B) I had meant to check it out even thought I knew it would suck, because it shared a name with one of my favorite films. C) The thinly veiled allure that there would be some nudity involved in this low budget thriller and that the nudity might involve Mila Kunis. The plot is rediculous, it involves a crazy Kunis who will do anything, including murder, to be Shatners teaching assistant, because his TA's always get into FBI Forensics to solve murders. WHAT? But here's the kicker, during the babbling imcomprehensible confession of motive at the conclusion, Mila Kunis, who goes by several identities during the film, brings up her connection to The Patrick Bateman of the original American Psycho. Now of course the writers had intended to try to confuse the viewer, making them think that the plot was clever, so clever that they couldnt even comprehend it, somewhat like the original. But her confession is not clever, its stupid, its moronic, even if its part of her lying pysche, its too dumb, why even write this garbage down, no less film it? And to illustrate her confession, a disgusting little flashback sequence is shown. The flashback is not unlike a bad America's Most Wanted dramatice reenactment, out of focus and with a not so steady, steady-cam giving first person perspective to the viewer. It was also a bit like Rescue 911, which makes me wonder if Shatner had anything to do with the suggestion during creative meetings. And the worst part, Patrick Bateman is reenacted in the flashback, by another actor, who really doesn't resemble Christian Bale. The reenactment and Bateman part of the confession is totally pointless for the plot of this shitty movie, and the situtation in which Bateman is included is one which is out of the realm of reality for Patrick Bateman to have been in, if you have seen the original. This kind of inclusion of a character from a previous film is nothing more than a shameless way to sell a load of garbage movie as a sequel to a movie that it has nothing to do with. Its a way to milk any remaining dollars from the brand name. To trick a few fans into showing the slightest curiosity into a film that you know was a waste to bother filming. 1 Not Completely Terrible Moment: Mila Kunis lures some kid to his death with sex, which is kind of hot, but it was just a tease, no nudity. Honorable mention: Bone Daddy. At least 3 or 4 people will get this. It's terrible. But I wasn't angered by it, I was laughing. But I was drunk. I would have laughed at witnessing some sort of appalling murder first hand in that state. I just had to mention it. "I have to return some videotapes"

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Monday, January 19th, 2004

One Liner: Alex its your Birthday, Happy Birthday Alex Time of Death: 3:55 pm.

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day Observed too

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Saturday, January 17th, 2004

One Liner: you drink the booze you lose Time of Death: 3:32 am.

As I didn't go out tonight, thats right, you guessed it, because of my monthly visit from aunt flo, I was able to fully witness Karthik's return from a busy night on the town. As a sidenote, I also made some minor layout changes to my site because I stayed in tonight. And really didn't we all do enough partying last nite ringing in the New Year to allow a night off? Please just one? No? Ok? well i guess i let everyone, including myself down. Back to the topic at hand... The time is roughly 1:45am on saturday morning, Karthik stumbles into the suite, without saying anything, pausing several times only momentarily to prop himself up against a wall or door. His only response to our hellos and how was your nights is to make a pistol with his forefinger and thumb and shoot me a little silent hello. He stumbles to his bed in a forced and herky jerky fashion knocking things over as he passes them. After throwing his keys at his computer desk with more force than is recomended taking into account that his target contains a computer and other expensive equipment, he sheds his shoes and clears some things from his bed. With all the force of a childs arm striking a chocolate orange against the table to break it, he collapses into bed. The impact must have rattled his already ill-at-ease stomach, as he winces and breathes heavily for a short time. After the initial entrance and collapse, I felt it was a wonder that he found his way home at all and he would be out like a light in moments. Shea enters to see what progress our boy has made towards sleep. He rustles and shifts for a few minutes until finally getting himself up on one arm and popping like a blister, spewing tonights veggie-melt and friends across his pillows, sheets and clothes. Safe in the fact that nothing of mine has been soiled, laughing and making sure our friend is okay are our two equally important priorities. Making the story that much funnier for us, is the fact that his parents are coming to visit tomorrow and would not appreciate this behavior from their eldest child. We remind him of their upcoming arrival and each time we do, he exclaims his displeasure like he had no previous idea, which makes for high comedy. After stripping his bed of the tainted fabrics, he discards them on the floor, and lays down again. He makes nearly unconscious conversation and plans to do his laundry early tommorow. Never one to let a drunk go to sleep without first attempting to create a funny situtation, Shea donates Karthik some quarters for laundry and strikes up a conversation that went nearly like this, as I was laughing I can only paraphrase the following, but one should note that Karthik is a diehard redskins fan and Shea is a diehard Giants fan. During the entire conversation, Karthik lies in his bed with his eyes closed, barely moving and mostly whispering while giving Shea the finger. Shea: You know, sometimes when people are as drunk as you are and they have secret homosexual desires, they let them out Karthik: Fuck you Im not gay Shea: Me neither, im just saying sometimes they let those feelings out when they're drunk Karthik: I'm not gay Shea: (jokingly) Redskins suck Karthik: (angry but slowly) fuck you, the giants are a bunch of babies, we got joe gibbs, (slithering) jim fucking fassell Shea: hes not on the team anymore buddy Karthik: whos your coach Shea: karthik sosale Karthik: (faster now) who, who whos your coach Shea: tom coughlin Karthik: (laughingly) tom fag coughlin, thats his name..thats part of his name Shea: i doubt that, maybe he just keeps it a secret, i'd keep it a secret if that were my part of my name. Karthik: (matter of factly) its his name, hes gay, whats he ever done? Shea: he led the Jaguars to... Karthik: (interupting)-to suck Brunells dick, thats what hes done Shea: (laughing) what? Karthik: joe gibbs has three rings, Coughlin got his dick sucked Shea: hahah, o yeah? Karthik: (faster) Gibbs has three rings, Coughlin got his dicked sucked 3 times Shea: thats not bad, i'd take the blowjobs Karthik: (racing and slurring) Joe Gibbs has three rings, Coughlin got his dick sucked 3 times. Joe Gibbs got his dicked sucked three times and Coughlin has three...got his dicked sucked three times Shea: you just said gibbs got his dick sucked 3 times Karthik: No, Joe Gibbs got his dick sucked three times, BY HIS WIFE, and coughlin got his dick sucked three times Shea: so they both got their dick sucked three times Karthik: (almost imcomprehensible) no, coughlin got his dick sucked three times and....joe gibbs got his dick sucked... three rings. Joe gibbs has three rings and Coughlin got his dick sucked three times Shea: Coughlin got his dick sucked 3 times, In his life or in a day? Karthik: (as if to say, of course) Oh, In a day Shea: thats not so bad, three times a day is good work Karthik: (emphatically) joe gibbs has three rings! He then sat up like he was going to throw up once more, asked us to do his laundry for him, which we refused and passed out. "Thats right, we all have bellybuttons, and we all love Yoohoo...especially with a little rum. -Whats Rum? You don't know what rum is? -Rumplestiltskin?"

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Thursday, January 15th, 2004

Time of Death: 4:21 pm.

Today i had to buy some of the novels for my literature/humanities class, which is entitled the Great Works: The Labrinth. Now maybe I'm an idiot, check, I am an idiot, but i thought the class would be like a very indepth look at all the intricacies of a great work or literature named the Labrinth. I had heard of the movie Labrinth so I thought that maybe their was an Illiad length type of book that spawned the film or something that was a literary treasure. Well I was wrong, it turns out we are studying actual labrinths, not mazes, but labrinths, cuz there is a difference, or at least pureists beleive there is a difference. Anyway we have to read like ten novels, only a few have to do with labrinths, or minotaurs, but all should help us discover the labrinth of ourselves and the world around us or something deep like that. Well I was paying for my books, one of which is a collection of tales by Nathaniel Hawthorne, that sports a large picture of Nat Hawthorne on the cover. The lady checking out my purchases, looks at the books and then at me and says "Oh wow, this guy looks a lot like you." Hmm. Well, I don't know if she had noticed that my nose was dribbling to my chin and that I hadnt shaved and was probably scowling, see example, and she was trying to make me laugh or really just meant it. But I DO NOT agree, there is no resemblence. I'm thinking he looks more like a young James Taylor. Now I don't get, you look like...._____ very often, or ever really, cuz I look like Danwho, and I am danwho, silly, whats the point of comparing me to me, thats just a waste of breath. Well I did hear once that I looked like some loser kid on MTV's Made who wanted to be a player or a ladies man or some shit, but I told someone else that I was compared to this doofus, who I never got to see myself, and the person I told totally denied that I looked anything like that weinerboy. So who knows, the only other comparison I ever get is to my stunning similarities to my created character in Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004, but that's probably because, not unlike God, I created him in thine own image. In other news, I saw a kid get hit by a car today. That is exciting. now don't worry he wasn't hurt but he was mighty sore at the driver of the SUV who plowed right through the side of him. The kid was walking across a crosswalk of a road that intersects with Port Republic and the SUV wanting to make a right on red without slowing to look directly in front of him, kept driving and clipped the kids legs, who kinda jumped up as he got hit, as not to be run over, and was thrown a few feet forward only to land a bit shakily on his feet. He got his bearings as the guy in the SUV hit his brakes, and went over to the guys window and was screaming as the man rolled down his window..this is about when I realized that I was also driving and had to face forward lest I hit something or something too. I love witnessing accidents and fleeing the scene. Well tonight is New Years Eve part deux at 1145J, this time when the clock hits midnight and the Dick Clark countdown in the VCR plays to the end, It will be a new start, a clean slate to the new year that is only 15 days old, now settled back at school, the real changes can occur, no formal resolutions but a new mindset and nothing standing in the way. Last chance, grab the gold ring now, the carousel only goes around so many times. But a fun fact for ya, my confirmation name is Nathaniel, thats right Daniel Nathaniel, thats what you get when you let a 15 year old pick his own name.

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Monday, January 12th, 2004

One Liner: Words of Wisdom From Uncle Jesse Time of Death: 1:03 pm.

So Jesse Jackson is coming to James Madison University, I first heard this, before winter break sometime, I wanna say on the same weekend Al Sharpton hosted SNL and we watched it on mute at a party, pointing at the flickering screen and laughing at what we assumed were hilarious racially offensive jokes about how, I dunno, Jimmy Fallon is a Honky-ass cracker, coming out of Sharpton's mouth, I can only assume my lip reading skills exist and Fallon went home crying that the Democratic candidate for president is mean. Anyway thats probably not the same night, that I heard about JJ coming to JMU, but who cares..what I'm saying is that this is not NEW news for JMU students...I'm not trying to impress you with timeliness, stop. The real point of the mention is that he's coming on January 19th, which aside from being my little brother's birthday, Hi Alex, its also Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Jesse Jackson is coming to speak at our school on MLK. This, I would assume, is one of, if not the biggest day of the year for Mr. Jackson. It's like asking Santa to come your house on Christmas, no, bad analogy, thats his thing, ok, well its like, asking Tiger Woods to play mini-golf in the course that you made in the living room, complete with sideways solo cups as the holes, on the same day the Masters is being played at Augusta National. He could come over and slum it with you, but theres somewhere better he could spend his day. Jesse Jackson's career is public speaking, and he's good at it. He could speak anywhere, plenty of venues would jump at the chance to obtain his services, on any day, but on a day of certain significance such as the 3rd Monday in January, I would expect his services would be at a bit of a premium. So I'm curious how James Madison University, a school with a staggering imbalance in minority to white student population could retain Jesse Jackson on MLK. Do you book years in advance? do you bid the highest bid? do you know someone who knows someone, who knows Jesse? Maybe you present the case that you are trying to fix the scales in upcoming years to close the gap and someday create a balance in campus ethnicity. One thing is sure, that having Mr. Jackson speak will be a good selling point for the University, which has recieved criticism for not doing enough to attract minority students. I am looking forward to seeing him speak, at least I plan too, but I also planned last semester on going to 311, VT vs. JMU football at Tech, and getting grades that dont look like amputated E's. So don't get me wrong, I'm glad that he's coming, I was just analyzing the motives behind such a move and the process by which to attract a speaker of note on one of his busiest days. And I had fun, hope you did too, see you again next time boys and girls. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." ~Jesse Jackson (x)

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Friday, January 9th, 2004

One Liner: The foundation on which my life is built is eroding piece by piece Time of Death: 4:41 am.

Today I saw a commercial for the new and improved Brawny papertowels. The confident marketing claims that anyone who gets their hands on a sheet of their revolutionized paper product will be instantly impressed. The commercial ends as most Brawny commercials have in the past, with a closeup look at the man behind the mustache, the Brawny Man of the Brawny Logo...but whats this? A new look? The Brawny Man is now clean shaven! This is a travesty of epic proportions. The Brawny man has been a solid pillar on which to rely for support. The design has gone through minor but well documented changes since 1974, but one thing stayed constant, and that was the man himself in all his mustached glory. He's gotten new shirts and walked through different forests, even donning a santa cap for the holiday season, but its always the same eerily handsome man with the stache looking back at you from the supermarket shelves. Now that this has changed, I'm really not sure what I can rely on.. I mean its not even the same guy anymore, even cartoon lumberjacks are replaceable. What exactly went wrong? I understand that the folks at Brawny want the best possible face to market to bring in the customers, in order to keep up with some of the advertising geniuses at Bounty. And it is safe to say that middle aged men with mustaches are not nearly the rage that they once were, and trust me they were huge in their heyday. But when your whole image, your company name, is hanging on one face, you want it to be one that the public can trust, and I think that the original Brawny man brought that to the table. It can't be a problem of aging, because that dude had been 35 for 30 years. He hadn't aged a bit, and you can contribute that to his all herbal, all natural strict dietary regiment, but I think it has to do with the fact that he's a cartoon. Now I wasn't resting easy with the thoughts of Mr. Brawn-Brawn as I liked to call him, coming to work one day to find that while he was taking a nice well-deserved, company paid, vacation in Tahiti, that he had been replaced by some young upstart pretty boy who slept his way to the top, without so much as a toilet paper ad in his resume. And god-forbid that the real Brawny Man was locked in a closet somewhere, and this new impostor had told the suits that he was the same Mr. Brawn Brawn and he had gotten a shave and a haircut, and maybe used a facial scrub or something to look youthful. So I looked into it. I made a few calls, and I when I was done, I think I would have been happier if I had just let it be, Brawn Brawn's legacy intact. It turns out that The original Mr. Brawn Brawn had an abusive temper, and was a bit of a coke fiend. Yes, I was shocked and saddened as well. However, his paper towel producing bosses couldn't fire him because he was under an iron clad contract until the end of 2003. When the contract was first drafted, it was October 1974, and ownership and most of the lawyers were high on something or another. Not ever concieving the mustached lumberjack would go out of style, they arbitrarily chose 2004, 30 years later as the time to renegotiate the contract. They thought they were gettting one hell of a deal, signing a young lumberjack type for 30 years for a static 1974's salary. Well, when the 70's ended, Mr. Brawn Brawn was not allowed to change under contract. This and the fact that he was being greatly underpaid, as inflation set in, to be the national spokeman for a popular paper product, drove him to fits of rage and several overdoses that were kept very secret until now. The people at Brawny had covered up several major incidents in order to keep their image clean, including a felony manslaughter charge during a drug frenzied 1987 couple swapping party. Their was also several DUI's and an aggravated assault on a cocktail waitress that never made the papers, due to some clever cover-ups. When the end of 2003 was approaching, the company sent Mr. Brawn Brawn to Tahiti while they prepared the new face of Brawny, a lumberjack from Manitoba, named Paul, which pending a blood test, is said to be an illegitimate child of the original Mr. Brawn Brawn. So in a way, the legacy of Brawny will live on, through Paul Flinger-Brawn Brawn, which is something positive to be said from this whole ordeal. Abusive addict or not, I'd still rather feel save snuggling up at night with a soft roll of Brawny that sports the original logo, in the comforting embrace of a bona-fide lumberjack saving me from a forest fire, Instead of this new logo that makes me feel quite like I'm in a gay themed bar, nuzzling my cheek against the chizzled chest of a sweaty model that poses as a lumberjack. "This lumberjack may have looked like he was carrying an ax in the 1970s but, in fact, he carried a peavey, a wooden lever used by lumbermen to handle logs" (X).

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Monday, January 5th, 2004

One Liner: Pardon the Advertisements Time of Death: 7:51 pm.

Today was the first episode of the new year of Pardon the Interuption, which is probably my favorite show in current production, maybe a close second behind Conan, the ranking isnt that important, its damn good. For the longest time, perhaps since the first episode ever, the primary sponsor has been Smirnoff. First it was the original Smirnoff Ice, the red labelled, too sweet to consume, a pioneer in the citrusey malt beverage revolution that occurred a few years ago. I will admit that when Mike's Hard Lemonade and Smirnoff Ice were big during my junior year in highschool, i had consumed a few. Its not like i chose them over beer, but I did drink them when available. Not long after though the fact that my teeth felt like they were being eaten away by the sugar and acid, and my inabillity to taste anything but citrus sugar after drinking one, i quickly swore off the stuff... This was mainly an issue among highschool kids who weren't accustomed to the taste of beer yet, and wanted to drink soda with a kick... some beer drinkers got indignant, even if they didnt like the taste of beer, they dealt with it and called those, who had found a way around their distaste for hops, names and wouldnt let them borrow their copy of Reindeer Games...It was dubbed a bitch drink. Personally i think any 'bitch' who can stomach that nasty shit is tough as a beer drinker...different strokes, who cares...anyway, when male Smirnoff Ice drinkers began to have fight off those who would question their sexuality along with fighting off the super-sweet-syndrome, much similar to the Bitter Beer Face from the Keystone commercials, Smirnoff introduced a new incarnation called Triple Black to try to regain the demographic. Personally, I've never had the triple Black, but they claim it as a crisper taste, and one reviewer claimed it was less tangy, more lemony than the original, which was more lime. Well if its a better product, easier to drink, more like a sprite, and who doesn't like sprite (well i dont like soda in general so sprite sucks), but i mean Kobe Bryant drinks sprite....and hes a model citizen. Sprite isnt a bitch drink. If marketed correctly, this triple black could have won back some of the men. So the folks at Smirnoff started running commercials with Matt Kenseth, the nascar driver, and became the primary sponsor behind PTI. Of course, PTI is not the best market for Smirnoff Ice Triple Black. I understand why they marketed their new Triple Black on a sports talk show, that is watched by a predominantly male audience. Because their beverages had gotten a bad rap as wimpy, unmanly, lady liquors. The same way Zima, advertises a group of black males drinking Zimas before going to the club. Zima already has the gay and eurotrash market sewn up, time to try to trick the urban market that "Playas" drink Zima too, before going out with their "Breezies." For 2004, Pardon the Interuption has gotten a few new sponsors. Instead of being 'Smirnoff Ice: Triple Black presents: Pardon the Interuption,' now its 'Guiness Draught Stout presents Pardon the Interuption.' I think thats better. That makes me happy. But one of the most popular shows on the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network, could rake in a few more advertisement dollars than just the assumed enormous amount that Guiness had to shell out to present the show. So for the new calendar year the show is also brought to in part by Time Warner Cable, and Mail time is brought to by MSN email, "make it better with the butterfly." Now that makes some sense. Selling out is one thing, but selling out for money over appropriateness is another. Guiness is a tasty one of a kind coffee/motor oil/beer concoction, that invokes manly activities like talking about sports. MSN email, presenting a segment where the hosts read emails, makes some semblence of sense. This is a nice step forward with a nice chunk of change and a new suit. Kornheiser made reference to the new sponsors, when he first said he was floating like a butterfly to the first email. And again at the end of the show when he holds the PTI sign over his face and whispers PTI, after Wilbon says to stay tuned for sportscenter, this time Tony added "Kit Kats, Send Kit Kat Bars, new sponsors" because Kit Kat had an ad spot during each commercial break. I guess its about time, as almost every few segments on Sportscenter has been brought to you by an advertiser lately. I can only assume that the rest of the weekday-specific PTI segments that take place in the same time period as Mail time does, will each be brought to you by an equally appropriate sponsor. "Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame...on his plaque it can say 'Pete Rose: Gambler and a Liar,' but he belongs in the hall of fame" -Michael Wilbon

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