Friday, February 27th, 2004

One Liner: Ah'm waking up at the NYPD Hotel and casino, feeling like MacKenzie Phillips, circa 1983, Col. Time of Death: 7:02 pm.

So yesterday I was at Walmart picking up some prescription drugs care of my good old doctor. You know about my back pain issues...yes you do, because I never shut up....whine whine whine right? thats me, don't deny it. Well I was about to give in my scripts for some painkillers, nothing too hardcore, and some muscle relaxers, sweet deal. I had the good fortune of standing in line behind some scraggly local woman who was rambling a bit too loud about her anti-psychotics and other medications on her extensive resume. She was a real-life Collette Reardon, the prescription riddled Cheri Oteri SNL character. The lady was leaning over the counter, feet at times dangling about off the ground. Ms. Reardon was going on and on about her ailments as a line formed, and the pharmacists tried to end the conversation. During the exchange, I actually heard her ask "What you got back there? (looking curiously back and forth quickly like a little puppy) Any (insert drug name)?" I was laughing out loud and standing directly behind her, and I thought I'd let you in on the scene. yeah that sound ok by you? "Luckily, Ah had a pocketful of Benzadrene, chased that with some Codine eye drops, and guess who's on time for her Monday morning Pap Smear?" (Collette Reardon)

Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

One Liner: here's to keepin it in the family Time of Death: 9:13 am.

click the banner for James's Micheal Patrick Keown Soundboard. If you know Mike then this is great. If you don't then this is great. "So Be Gone...or how ever I get rid you you guys" (Kronk).

Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.

One Liner: Even the Losers, Get Lucky Sometimes Time of Death: 12:30 am.

You gave it a bad rap. You weren't patient. "FOX is crude and just plain mean" you said. I said shut the hell up. Sometimes when you think a network can't get any dumber, they turn around and pull something like this, and totally redeem themselves. Tonight was the finale of the FOX reality series, Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance. It was the best bit of reality television that I have seen in a while. Sure I've seen all the previous episode, only 6 or so, so I had a vested interest in how the show would turn out, but I don't end up in tears of joy after most television shows, no less reality tv. I never watched the bachelor or ryan and tristas wedding, so maybe crying is common, but just not for me. If you haven't see the show let me give you the Reader's Digest size synopsis : Randi Coy went on a reality show, she thinks Steve is in the same spot as her. The Game: Convince their family and friends that they are in love and get them all to come to their wedding without objecting and you win money for you and your family. What Randi doesn't know is that Steve is an actor hired to drive her wild and be a tough sell to her family. Steve's familly and friends are actors too. Randi's family doesn't want her to marry Steve, who she has only known for 2 weeks. They try their damnedest to stop the marriage. Randi quickly goes insane. Comedy, Drama, Comedy, Drama, Comedy, Drama, Wedding Day Finale. Steven Bailey, the actor who played the obnoxious groom to Randi Coy's blushing bride is simply one of the best actors that I've ever seen on television. He can go from clumsy, fat, unkempt, crude and loud to the perfect gentleman without missing a beat. He plays a fantastic nervous, with sweat glands pumping on command. His range even includes an upset that is unmistakeable. Bailey can be one of the best inspirational speakers I've seen, any type of character or a hilarious comedian with his quick wit and improvisational talents. To boot, I've seen him on Leno and he just seems like a nice guy, with a charming slightly over the top booming laugh. His laugh is natural and its the only part of his many personas that can be seen as over the top or even slightly unbelievable. Randi had no clue that Steve was an actor who was purposely playing her emotions to push her to her breaking point. Randi's family had no clue that their daughter was pushing them to their wits end for part of a game. Steve's obnoxious behavior was a hilarious selling point for the series, he burped, ate like a pig, danced his flab around in his underwear, broke things and played everyone exactly to their limits, only to pull back and lull them back into confidence that they could continue. This is where I lost control of the tear ducts. The best curveball ending reality television had ever thrown and it wasn't even a surprise to the viewer. An ending so sweeping that it made me cry, that I'm tearing up again now just thinking about it. Really a great ending, you got me? Steve told them he was an actor. He was so professional and perfect in his delivery. He employed the right mix of seriousness, to not make light of their feelings, and laughter to ease nerves. Randi was shocked. So was the Coy family. Steve told them that his family were actors too. The embarassment of the family and anger at Randi now shifted a little to the embarassment of Randi who had also been conned. But thats not the part that makes me cry. Steve tied it all together beautifully. In an eloquent speech, Steven Bailey made them realize that this was about more than money. Randi's love for her family and her desire to give them this present with honest intentions had forced her on in this mission that drained her emotions and sanity. The real story wasn't about a con. The real story had nothing to do with embarassment. The series started out with a story about a mismatch fake marriage, but ended with something so much more compelling to watch. The story became of a family, that disagreed with their daughter's decision, which did their best to dissuade her with their own best intentions. This family full of love that came together in the end to stand behind their daughter no matter what. A real family, real love, reality tv never got so real. Never have I seen such a sweeping almost instant change of emotion. The faces of her both of her parents, her two brothers and her sister melted and so did mine. Anger was happiness and shame was love before Steve finished his speech. It was something so beautiful that I can't put it into words. The show concluded with Steve handing out 2 checks for half a million dollars, one to Randi and one to her family....Steve calling Randi a friend and the two of them embracing, and he said "You want to hear something funny? I'm married." Then they showed the family and wedding guests a clip show of Randi's behind the scenes trials and tribulations and then her family all hugged Randi and freeze frame, roll credits. weep. make fun of dan for being a woman. "Ohana means family" (Lilo & Stitch).

Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.

Sunday, February 22nd, 2004

One Liner: Chrissy Ags hosts SNL Time of Death: 2:20 am.

Christina Aguilera hosted SNL tonight and it was one of the better ones that I've seen lately. Good thing I had a raging headache and didn't go out tonight, otherwise I would have missed it. So if you went out, check out me talking about it. The monologue was great, they showed a clip of Jimmy Fallon on an old Weekend Update making fun of Christina saying "Christina Aguilera cancelled two concerts in England, saying that she has acute bronchitis. Actually, it used to be acute, now it's kind of askanky" They made some jokes telling Christina who was dressed conservatively, to whore it up and then she sang a very moving rendition of Beautiful. The Sex and the City skit was hilarious, and christina as Kim Catralls' slutty character Samantha was amazing, she did a fantastic impression. It really gave the feeling that Christina Aguilera can not only sing but can act too. There was also a Telemundo skit, with Christina in a French Maid costume, as I don't have a video capture set-up, I took some pictures of the tv screen, and thats the best one right there, yeah it sucks, do better Weekend Update was one of the better ones that I've seen in a while. Check out FallonFey.com, They should have it up soon. A few memorable quotes: ----"This week, Georgia's board of education approved the plan that allows teachers to keep using the word 'Evolution' when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called 'Jesus Horses.' " ----"Polaroid is warning customers not to listen to the part of the Outkast song, 'Hey Ya,' that tells people to 'shake it like a Polaroid picture,' because that could actually ruin the picture. In a related story, Bacardi is warning shortys to be responsible, and not 'sip Bacardi like it's der birfday.'" ----"The New York Yankees outbid the Boston Red Socks to obtain baseball superstar, Alex Rodriguez. In the end, the Yankees were able to offer him something the Red Sox couldn't...a boyfriend (shows picture of Jeter)." ----"A new line of tshirts for women has been introduced based on Sex and the City, that features the words, 'I'm a Carrie,' 'I'm a Miranda,' 'I'm a Charlotte,' and 'I'm a Samantha.' Women who purchase all four, will recieve a free fifth shirt saying 'I'm a Moron.'" The other sketch worth mentioning was one where Christina is back stage after a concert and is visited by celebrities. Each celebrity called her a whore in a different way but told it was ok because she could really sing wonderfully. ----Star Jones and her new fiance, who everyone referred to as Stedmon(Oprah's ex-boyfriend), told Miss Aguilera that she "could take it backdoor from the Harlem boys choir," and it would be ok because she's got pipes. ----Patti Labelle told her that she "could do the entire Washington Redskins team, as far as she cared, because she sings like an angel" ----Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne mentioned her flaunting her "Man-hungry Poon-trap" ----Kelly Osbourne apologized for calling her a "worn out spunk barge" and said that "if she had a voice like hers, that she wouldnt be so insecure to be a knob-gobbling whore bag" Christina was a great sport about the whore jokes, and had a good message to boot about double standards and free expression of sexuality along with everyone being beautiful no matter what they say. "We hired a guy named, Finesse?" (Lorne Michaels)

Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.

Saturday, February 21st, 2004

One Liner: Applesauce Time of Death: 11:20 pm.

In the past year I've had a broken foot (my first broken bone) My first ever (through fourth) bloody noses Mono (which included uvula expansion to the point where if I moved I choked on it) weeks of insomnia a handful of colds and and stomach viruses and now a lower back muscle strain (i hope thats all it is) that has been bothering me for about 2 weeks I don't take very good care of myself, I can't claim that I do. I'm falling apart, and it might be a testament to the old saying. You know the one, say it with me: ("Never eat cheese before noon")---Stop. Just Stop, no more viewer participation. Of course I was referring to "An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away." Yes thats the one I was talking about. I'm going to the doctor on monday. I've seen doctors, voluntarily, 7-10 times this year, which is 7 to 10 more times per year than ever before. So I'm doing something wrong. But it might be lack of apple consumption. I've never been this plagued by ailments ever in my life. The most healthy part of this year was the beginning of this past fall semester when I ate an apple everyday for about a month and a half. That was right after my broken foot healed and right before my mono raped my mouth, having its way with my hanging ball. A beautiful window of little over a month where I was both golden and delicious. I would get my apples from the various campus eateries, and some people would scoff and say, "Apples from campus, gross" or "I've never liked apples" or "You look so stupid with little bits of apple stuck in your braces" And I'd say "look closer, i haven't had braces for over 5 years, moron." When I started getting an apple everyday, the virus fighting fruit was always crisp and lovely. Then sometimes I'd get a mushy one, that decieved my judegement during my meticulous selection process. But before long the quality of the spawn of the Malus Pumila (apple tree) provided began to suffer drastically, and that's when I changed my consumption routine, and that was the beginning of the end. "-he said 'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything' -But he didn't get it - " (Fiona Apple)

Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.

One Liner: "I'm going to ask you a series of questions, and I want them answered immediately" Time of Death: 8:18 pm.

You may or not have heard about a picture that was floating around the internet this week of front runner for the Democratic presidential nomination, John Kerry speaking at a anti-Vietnam rally alongside Anti-Vietnam activist Jane Fonda, way back in the day. As Kerry is a Vietnam veteran, this was shocking to his constiguents. Associating with Barbarella herself, anti-vietnam implications...shocking. Not surprisingly was that the picture was doctored...cuz thats so hard to do and all. The doctored photo of jane fonda can be seen here But I found another disturbing photo about Kerry, (as you watch me be predictable.) with Kim Jong-il, the crazy dykeish looking head of dangerous North Korea. And if you squint just right i think you can find a few other dangerous characters, who are too close for comfort. The television is a flood with commercials for Eurotrip, and i think it looks awful even by horn-ball flick [lack of] standards. The movie is being promoted as having "a lot of breasts" in it. It's been compared to American Pie in Europe, and I know that I'm not any maturer now than I was when I enjoyed American Pie years ago but, I guess I'm just sick of the genre. I have no interest to see it, but Kristin Kreuk and Matt Damon are both in this movie and hardly anyone knows about it. Seems to me that those two could bring in more people than the current marketing scheme. Kristen Kreuk, O baby, o baby. I'm a fan of Fred Armisen on SNL, but he looks dumb in this film, and casting Vinnie Jones of Snatch among other things, as the angry Brit just seems insulting and trite. And I can't really deal with Michelle Trachtenberg being a sex puppet. I still see her as Nona F Mecklenberg from the Adventures of Pete and Pete, the wonderfully weird little girl who is not remotely sexually appealing like some other pre-legal little girls can be and have been considered...don't judge slash arrest me. Cingular bought AT&T wireless, (x) do all of us AT&T customers, get rollover? And AT&T wireless and Cingular were among the top complaint recievers among wireless providers, so does this mean better service or a mixture of confusion and awful service? Maybe I'm a step behind, but i didn't know that Samus from Metroid was a girl. The commercial for the new game on the Gameboy Advanced SP, says of Samus, that "it's Her first mission as an intergalactic bounty hunter." I know its very male shovanist of me to have assumed that it was a guy or a robot in the suit. When I saw the commercial I was asking all types of questions such as: Is this a new development? Was the character ungendered until now, and they finally decided to give it a sexual indentity? Is this game a new encarnation like The Next Karate Kid? Has it always been a girl, and I'm just not as with things as I would like to think? well it looks like it was a guy in the first game, but since then it has looks like its been a girl, with the same name, and I'm simply a moron for not knowing this stupid useles crap. If you've seen the sleep number bed commercials, did anyone tell Lindsay Wagner that she is hocking a BED and not cancer medication. thats one serious conversation shes having with the camera about finding your perfect number of firmness in a matress. I know getting a good nights sleep can change your whole outlook on life, but if you aren't as comfortable as you could be, does that command the same grave tone as if you were dying? Daytime tv commercials are morbid, I know the commercials are marketed towards senior citizens and alcoholic housewives but c'mon... i'm going to die! we're all going to die...so buy life insurance. have u been injured? are u horribly wretched and deformed? do you think we can get some money out of this? And do they really have to identify the celebrities on the commercials as compensated endorsers, like we thought Alex Trebek, Lou Rawls and Wilford Brimley were hocking life insurance and diabetes testing supplies for free as part of some community service from a vehicular manslaughter conviction.... Yesterday nite we were drinking and watching Man vs. Beast 2 on mute and laughing, and there was no leopard vs man long jump competition as announced by tony on PTI, instead it was a dog vs man, and the dog won. Afterwards people were flipping and the tv landed at one point on the Sunday Night Sex Show on Oxygen. And it was a friday night but thats not the point. The point is that I'm curious how many guys don't know about this show, because I already did. I'd bet that I'm not the only one that has been looking at the TV Guide channel late nite and saw the title with the word Sex and says to himself, I better check this out, hoping for some Cinemax-esque softcore porn, only to be dissapointed with the wrinkly old lady who gives sex advice for women. Why are all the sex advice women always old and wrinkly. Is that what a lifetime of sexual "research" does to someone? are Dr. Joyce Brothers, Dr. Laura, Dr. Ruth, and this oxygen lady all really only a very weathered, 30 years old? Or do you really only get the gist of how to give sex advice when you get to the point where no one wants to have sex with you anymore. All that lack of sex gives the washed up slut time to really think about it? these are all just questions, and your homework is to answer them while I take a nap. "I bet you can get 20 gallons to the mile" (James).

Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.

Monday, February 16th, 2004

One liner: The Alex Rodriguez Show Time of Death: 2:49 pm.

Chances are that by now you've heard of the all but final [now final] blockbuster trade of Alex Rodriguez to the New York Yankees. I know its a little bit tiresome after being wrapped up in the As the A-Rod Turns soap opera that has been this baseball off season, but lets discuss. I'm a Yankee fan and of course I want to see the best player in the the majors in my team's uniform. Of course it feels great to sock it to Boston, which is reeling in the wake of their failed acquisition. Well they won't tell you they're reeling, they'll tell you George Steinbrenner embodies all that is evil in the world and will one day try to buy you and your dog just for fun. They'll tell you that they are proud of their big moves too, Schilling is gonna be wicked awesome. But they probably won't let you see them cry, proud, tough sonsofbitches who might throw in a "Viniateri is fackin sweet" or two just to feel a little better. However, I know the Yankees are getting ridiculous when it comes to contracts and acquisitions. It's hard to defend a team that bought whiners and all around not team players like Gary Sheffield, Kenny Lofton and Kevin Brown this offseason. The best argument has always been about the cost of living in NYC, where money values are inflated and unlike anywhere else. You argue about small market teams and I come back with saying that the dollar amounts in KC and dollar amounts in NYC are apples and oranges. Another argument is that the Yankes take in more money than anyone else and the economic ratios are so that NY isn't the biggest spender for what they make. The last issue is always about the quality stars that came up through the farm system: Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada, Alfonso Soriano, Andy Pettite, Nick Johnson . But this last argument is getting harder to argue. So in a last ditch effort I might mention something like Boston has the second highest payroll behind the Yankees because they are wannabee perennial second placers, so don't pit the Sox as our small market antithesis, or any kind of underdog. But we all know, that if we are arguing about the Yankees payroll, I really am just grasping at straws without a leg to stand on, but we really aren't evil, really, my uncle is the head of security at Yankee Stadium and he has told me that nothing of a satanic nature ever occurs on stadium grounds. thats true, im not joking about my uncle. Its no secret that A-Rod and Jeter are good buddies off the field and through various phone-taps and other covert spy-like stuff I was able to get my hands on a phone call conversation between the two. If this sounds a lot like the exclusive interviews Rob Wanska has over at the New Empire's Lounge, then please go there and give him a big kiss for me, no harm intended. If this sounds like Kornheiser during one of PTI's games of role play, well then thats more what I was thinking too, so bully for you. Just picture me with cardboard cut out heads of Arod and Jeter, yelling in a comical yet intelligent way. And as always, when its over, I win. A-Rod: Hey Derek, how am I going to go back into the locker room during spring training and look at my teammates? I mean we're all friends, you know how nice and social I am, but really I've publicly said I need to play for a winner, and I'm the one who crippled my team's chances with my fat contract. Jeter: It's gonna be tough, I was talking to Nomar today and he was in the same boat, I mean in your case, if your team loses chemistry, well your still not making the playoffs, but with Nomar, if his team is not playing well together, it'll be easier for us to trounce them come september. A-Rod: I know baseball and I can play. I've groomed myself to be the spokeman for the sport. I'm on pace to set ridiculous records and be a first ballot Hall of Famer. I'm young but mature, good-looking, well-dressed, and well spoken. I'm regularly seen at dinner with retired Hall of Famers, I pick their brains about their impact on the sport and what mine will someday be. I'm ready for the big time, but I'm stagnating in Texas. Jeter: Yes the big time, I've been enjoying the big time since I was a rookie and playing in the World Series. Its true that the Yankees are the biggest stage in baseball and its also true that a lot of fans don't pay attention to any team but their own until September and October. And you're always playing golf and eating dinner with former allstars in September. A-Rod: Listen, Derek, no offense, your a great player, but I'm the best player in baseball, everybody thinks so, and I'm being hidden away here on this loser franchise. Thats not good business sense, for your best product to be somewhere where no one can see it. Jeter: You are the best player, but where's your jewelry, baby? I've got rings and you want what I've got. A-Rod: My biggest legacy right now is my contract, which is currently the largest in sports. Texas can't handle this and all I ever hear about is money, money, money. My contract is holding the Rangers back and no one is going to let me forget it. More everyday Joe's know how much money I made last year than my batting average. Jeter: You need to go somewhere where money is no concern. Where everyone's a 100-millionaire. Where you're in the limelight, next in line for lucrative sponsorships. A-Rod: Well Boston doesnt want to pay part of my salary and part of Manny's. Jeter: Forget Boston, you come to New York for a few road games a year and you see your old friend Derek, right? And we go out on the town with our VISA cards and party like the two young studs that we are, right? If you played in New York we could do that all the time. A-Rod: I don't want to play for the Mets. Jeter: Nobody wants to play for the Mets, that's where you go to die. Are you listening to me, as team captain of the New York Yankees, I'd be honored if you'd consider playing as a bronx bomber. A-Rod: What, are you retiring? You play shortstop. Jeter: You know Boone-y is out for the year, we have a cold hole at the hot corner. You're bigger and stronger than me, I bet you'd do fine at third. A-Rod: That transition has been tried by shortstops before, Ripken did alright, but most people have struggled. Jeter: C'mon, who's the best player in the game? Who is he? You are, yes you are, thats my big boy, a googoo, thataboy A-Rod: I'll do it, draw up the paper work, if the Yanks eat up most of my salary, and trade away one of their last talents that actually came from the farm system. You know who the Rangers might like is Soriano, yeah he's a young talent, move him to centerfield, he's fast and powerful, not nearly my caliber but still like a less expensive, less polished version of me. Jeter: Haha, Yes, I'm gonna call Nomar back, he's gonna shit, since I'm making deals now, maybe I'll offer him second base.

Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.

Saturday, February 14th, 2004

One Liner: this is going to drive you made..and happy v-day Time of Death: 5:28 am.

Hey i made this picture earlier today and I said to myself, danwho your gonna come home tonight with some picutres andf drunkenly update and ur gonna need something to get the pulses racing, something to draw the eys to the written word. a graphic....and i have something, it may not be relevant, but who is now a day. its from those AT &&&&&& T commercials, about aving two things at once, hence the AMPERSAND guess what i made come notes at the party heres what I wrote down, no context clues, figure it out man, what do i pay you for? "heywe'retheimpossiblesfromwishingtontexas" "focus" "Abby: I have the hiccups, Jenna doesn't, do you see what's going on here?" "Jenna: I'm trying to make out with Janet jackson" "Jenna (talking to some wes, motioning to his hat): Hey Nascar...Hey whatever, NBA? -Wes: No! USBDT, thats United States Beer Drinking Team" Why did I make those notes? I dont know? Hey heres PICTURES, ps they arent very good, mostly my adventure home And the rookie game, i watched on mute and it was a mockery, just a slam dunk competition, they didnt even pretend to try, it was l;ike 112 to 148 or something crazy like that and i got to slap james across the face tonight which wasnt bad and i'm not a huge fan of valentines day with the greeting cards and shit but look what google does to us, this is too damn far. see below. Hearts! c'mon let me search for ways to spend an empty meaningless holiday alone without rubbing it in, jerkoff

Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

One Liner: I'm danwho, bitch Time of Death: 2:34 pm. Audio: Death Cab for Cutie- Title and Registration

I wanted to comment on what two things that I saw on tv last nite...or I wanted to take pictures of myself in a wig and now I have to write about it, either way. Last nite after I got back from my nite economics course, thats right the study of the economy at night, dummy...we were watching the Simpsons in class...by the way we watched Office Space in my computer info systems class yesterday too....yeah im the man...But after my night class I get back just in time to have missed like 5 minutes of the OC. Now im not a big, hour drama, gotta watch every week show kinda guy, but I have been watching the OC, and i flip flop on how much I like it. I had been really into it at first and then it falls into the theres only so many new shocking turns that can happen teen drama pitfalls, and even as original and crazy as it may be, its still sometimes pretty predictable. I'm not gonna go fansite on you and rehash last nite's episode, but I will say that it did get me excited about the show again, after a recent lull in my interest. The point of the mention is the blatant Death Cab for Cutie references that I don't know, maybe are an attempt to give the show a little underground cool. Seth Cohen is supposed to be a little nerdy, for OC standards, where everyone is beautiful and rich. He's a comicbook geek with a large vocabulary, sarcastic humor and good taste in semi-underground music that is getting everyday more mainstream. Back on the pre-Christmas episode, Seth gave the two girls he was seeing at the same time, a "Seth Cohen Starter pack" which included among other things, a Goonies DVD and Death Cab CD's. The fleeting, by the by, mention of Death Cab for Cutie was kinda cool. those who know them can chuckle at the reference and those who dont know dont even notice. But last night they brought it up again, Anna talking to Mr. Cohen about how she and Seth both like comic books and Death Cab, and Sandy Cohen saying "Death Cab's a band right?" I'm just curious if this mentioning is some part of a deal with the band's label, Barsuk records, or if its just simply a ploy to make fans of the band think that this show is hip. Its not like they repeatedly plug anything else on the show, except maybe when the band Rooney guest starred and played, but I didnt see that episode. The other thing I watched last night as did, hopefully, everyone else, was one of the funniest shows on tv, Chapelle's Show. Last nite they spent most of the episode showing a three segment story about Charlie Murphy, Eddie's brother who is a cast member of the show, and Rick James. This was a true story, with interviews with both people and a reenactment with Chapelle as Rick James and Charlie Murphy as himself. The only thing I thought the episode was missing was the Robot guy who has been in every episode of the 2nd season so far, unless maybe he was there in the studio 54 scene and I didnt see him, if he wasnt there it would have been the perfect place, but maybe that running joke has run its course. Better to burn out than to fade away. But the thing I wanted to mention deals with Charlie reminiscing about Rick James and his brother Eddie Murphy and a lot of drug talk came up. James said "cocaine is a hell of a drug" and then laughed and they showed it several times. But Charlie Murphy repeatedly exhonerated his brother Eddie of any wrong doing. He said several times, whenever the story took a turn towards some of the more illegal partying, that Eddie didn't do any of that, and that he would leave early and not get crazy with them. I wonder if this is true and Eddie is a straight edge, or if he would have been pissed at his brother if he had included him in the story on tv. He definitely had more to lose by getting into heavy drugs than his less talented brother, and has more to lose now by being included in such a tell-all trip down memory lane. I don't claim to know Eddie's history on the party scene, and answers might be nothing more than a mouse click away but this update isnt worthy of research, not today, not this crap, if you want to know, go find out yourself. I also meant to watch M J Fox on Conan, but I feel asleep, I cant be mad cuz at least I'm sleeping again, and I can always catch it today on Comedy Central. "What did the five fingers say to the face? -What? Slap" (chappelle)

Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.

Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

One Liner: 3 in one like that fisher price game table i always wanted but that really sucks Time of Death: 4:20 pm.

I am almost constantly at risk of being on the recieving end of a sarcastic "awww poor baby" which is well deserved due to my laundry list of problems that I refer to ad nauseum. Here's your chance to get in one of those scathing remarks at my expense...My back hurts. For the past two weeks my lower back has been in a state of flux between varying degrees of pain. I think that I pulled a muscle during the depths of my insomnia stint when I was sick and laying awake all night, my body being wrenched in awkward positions by my coughing fits. That's when the pain started when I pulled into a near fetal position coughing up a lung and tearing by back. The problem is not being aided by my daily routine of sitting in hard chairs...the classroom chairs, and my painfully wooden standard issue college desk chair that I sit in for at least half of my waking hours. The main issues of my back pain, which is mostly on my left side and sometimes encompasses my left ass cheek as well, are walking and the act of sitting down. I must look hilarious as I slowly plod unevenly across campus, and I cannot help but grumble curse words as I wincingly lower myself into chairs. But enough of this complaining, how about some praise for something. Despite the long list of gripes that I have with things pertaining to college, campus and academics in general, I have some pats on the back to hand out as well. This first one goes out, not to JMU, but to the off campus housing developments, and perhaps the city of Harrisonburg city planners, i dont know. The issue is parking, on weekends only people with parking stickers for that development are allowed to park or could be towed. This is in short a pain in the ass. It makes it difficult to get from place to place during peak party hours. Only looking at the hindrance it poses to us, its easy to wonder where I'm going with this. Not only does each development prevent crowded parking lots that would perhaps leave residents without a place to park, but more importantly, drunk driving is greatly reduced. Hey, we all know, that like smoking ciggarettes, drunk driving is cool, just the coolest...but being arrested for drunk driving or manslaughter/being dead sucks, and if we were allowed to park anywhere we wanted we'd all be making dumb choices for the sake of convenience. I hate the personal wellness health class that is part of every students' gen ed requirement, I should, I'm taking it for the second time this year. Its an easy class, if you pay attention and dont draw pictures of yourself being shot...or if you study...or if you do your passport events and document 15-30 UREC workout hours. I know this all now. So I hate this Passport crap, and for those of you who don't know, Passport events are events put on by the campus that you would never go to unless they interested you. But in an attempt to make us well rounded and personally well students, they require you to go to 5 events of different dimensions of well being, and carry a little worksheet like a kindergartener to be stamped for credit. Its bullshit and I hate being told that I have to do things that dont interest me, just like the 60 credits of Gen-ed they shove down out throat, but this isnt new, so i digress... anyway, the point is that one of the events that I went to today was a blood drive, which is one of the easier events one can choose, so of course plenty of people sign up, and I show up not aware of a signup and they aren't accepting walk ons. One would say, you missed out on an easy event, aren't you pissed, wasnt this gonna be something positive, Im confused. Well stay with me, I got really happy while talking to the girl at the blood drive, they were full, that is great news, between generally concerned people with some platelets to spare and people looking to fullfill a class requirement, the drive was full of blood, which is really commendable and fantastic news, so good job JMU thats one useful part of forcing people to do your stupid crap. "Wow theres a lot of you..uh thanks for GCOM, I guess," That's how James Matarese began his short spur of the moment speech at the JMU film festival. He was making reference to the public speaking course JMU makes mandatory for all students, that helped him get up in front of the large crowd. We've all heard the statistic that more people are afraid of public speaking than death, which is probably taken out of context, because the survey might ask for your biggest fear, and more people say public speaking, but just dont think of death as a fear, more of a back of the mind inevitability. It's like Family Feud, it's about whatever was on the minds of the 100 people surveyed. If the survey group just witnessed a stabbing and then were asked whats your biggest fear, i bet the number one answer is being stabbed. For those of us who have or have had public speaking fears, this forcing one to deal with it for class credit seems like hell. And anytime that I would have to speak in front of people or particpate in class or even work in groups I used to be scared to death and think how inhumane forcing me to do such awful things was. No one ever makes an Acrophobic sky dive or an Eurotophobic have a woman wrap their legs around their head for class credit, but in high school the Homophobes did have to touch the same sex teacher's crotch for seven minutes of heaven. JMU requirement of a general communications class for public speaking is really a good idea. Its important in life, and the more comfortable you are with everything about life the easier it will be and Im all about easiness. I'm not saying that I'm so much more comfortable at public speaking because of GCOM alone, but the fact that I took it twice didn't hurt. Sometimes I'm still scared and uncomfortable, but most of the time I just step up and knock it out the bock bock bagocks. But sometimes I'm scared and uncomfortable for no reason at all, so for me, I consider this fear kicked. I was walking on campus and i saw a girl that i have had a class with, cant remember her name, who was talking on the phone and she said to the person on the other line, "So you are gonna call me later?" As she said YOU, she pointed in the direction of the phone, hey moron theres nobody there, who ya pointing at? You think that the person on the other end gets anything from that gesture that they can't see? So anyway, you[points at screen] are and idiot. I don't know how many of the people who read this website, and I can probably name the ten of you, have seen Sleepless in Seattle. Now i know its kind of a "new classic" as TNT would have you believe, and Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are america's sweethearts and Rob Reiner is heavy, which i don't know why you even brought up as it is irrelevant....But I had never seen it until about a year ago, I mean I'd seen the clip of it that is shown in The Cable Guy, and I knew it was a widely popular 90's romantic comedy, but thats not really the genre that I run out and see. Anyway they always play it on cable and last year sometime when I was sick or bored or something I watched it, and this is probably not a new idea that I'm going to propose, this was probably talked about when the movie came out a shade over a decade ago, but why the hell is this movie romantic. Meg Ryan is a crazy sick stalker. If a guy had flown to another part of the country to stare at a woman and her kid from across a highway, they'd throw a restraining order on that freak in a heartbeat. its a sexist double standard. I apologize for the lack of timeliness, its like that Jim Gaffigan bit: 'Hey, I just saw Heat/Heat? I saw that 6 years ago/Uh..But I wanna talk about it now/No..loser' You know the commercial for Labatt Blue where the bear and the guys have the pieces of a bookshelf and instead of building the bookcase, they build a Labatt Blue dispensing cabinet thing with a lever. The lever is pulled and a beer rolls down from the storage cabinet, which I doubt is refridgerated and through a wooden trough that ends with a thud next to the chair. Wouldn't the series of sudden stops against two by fours shake up the beer? Wouldnt it be a hassle not a convenience to have to load that 6 foot high, warm, stale wooden cabinet with beer? And pulling a lever and having a warm, foamy beer appear next to you isnt that big of a step up from having a cooler next to your chair. I'd rather have a bookcase, and a cooler of cold beer. And as we all know, 'a one that isn't cold is barely a one at all.' Today i was eating my lunch from mrs. greens and watching The Price is Right, as is my monday/wednesday/friday routine and today the showcase showdown was worth mentioning. The old woman who was bidding on a collection of Hot Sauces, a motorcycle and a patio boat bid 49,000 and it was only 25 something, poor old lady, too bad I hated her cuz she pretended she knew something about motorcycles, 'oo is that a honda?' Now thats not the interesting point, but i wasted your time anyway...speaking of a waste of time check out this classic and many others here A young girl from the OC who, and I'm stereotyping here, most likely didn't need the prizes cuz shes so well off, was bidding on three exercise machines and a trip to Aruba. She opened her mouth and started to bid 12,000 and audience booed. She said "twelve thousa--[BOOOOO]--uh um let me think, i gotta do this right" and bob chimed in "you gotta do this right now." The girl then upped her bid to 13 large. And get this, are you ready? the actual retail price of her showcase was...$12,015. She would have won, and being within 250 bucks and under would have won both showcases. The moral of the story is don't listen to peer pressure because most peers have shit for brains. "i watch a lot of tv, I drink a lot of coffee too, but you know whats really addictive?...heroin" -(Jim Gaffigan)

Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

One Liner: "...no one is supposed to see this..." Time of Death: 11:44 pm.

Tonight Michael J Fox gave us a life lesson, and not just in the generic sitcomy way, not in a neat little 22 minute package of Family Ties re-runs that most likely aired on TV Land or Nick at Nite. Fox returned to network television comedy for a special new episode of Scrubs, the first of two guest spots. Michael J played an incredibly skilled visiting doctor who suffers from OCD. The Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a a hindrance that has been hard to overcome, taking up his time when he cant control his need to repetitive actions, but has also helped him be thorough and practised in the study and procedures of medicine, leave it to Fox to point out a silver lining. He has often referred to the past decade with Parkinson's Disease as the best time of his life and attributes it for the person he is today, saying that he wouldnt trade his life now for his life back before his illness. When NBC first started advertising the guest spot on Scrubs, I was curious how they would handle his spasmodic movements due to Parkinsons disease. The commercials didn't offer any glimpse of his involuntary twitches, but the short clips could have been edited cleverly to downplay his affliction. I wondered if also he was now on new and improved medicine to keep his PD in check. Well this OCD storyline was a perfect solution, it allowed for him to control his involuntary movements with short voluntary movements. After reading his autobiography, Lucky Man, which is one of my favorite books ever, I know that he can control his ticks more easily when he is moving, but total stillness is almost always impossible anymore for him. The OCD storyline also allowed for a touching commentary on dealing with weakness and problems from a man who has dealt with illness personally, without being a preachy Michael J Fox Parkinson's True Life Special. I have always loved, as most of America has, the boyish charms of the canadien star. Not in a stalker homosexual way, please this was serious until you chimed in...But i think most people can agree that you could relate and envy the twinkle in the eye behind the characters of Alex P Keaton, Marty McFly, Scott Howard, Erikkson, Dr. Benjamin Stone, Daniel McTeague, and Mike Flaherty among many others. The wit, the charisma, the abillity to hurl his small frame over hurdles and slide effortlessly across Delorean hoods or counter tops made him a friendly face, someone with whom you felt you knew and could attest that he was actually a good guy. And then you found he had been stuggling with Parkinson's for nearly a decade and he was no longer in such an enviable position. But really you could still admire the courage and introspective wisdom of his plight. He handled things so well, took it in stride, at least publicly, like you'd watched him handle all kinds of obstacles before. Between his attempts to silently mask and fight this invisible demon, like he could do anything he set his mind to. To the way he learned valuable life-lessons from his eventual acceptance of, but not submission to, his illness. To the appearing before congress and various interviewers to make this disease more visible, to put a face on the disease, in hopes of increased funding for possible cures and better treatments. In his Scrubs appearance, he seemed more under control than he had in the last public television interview that I had seen. Perhaps his medication have gotten better, maybe due to new increased funds for research. At the time of his book's writing he said that there were only serveral suppressive medicines available and after an extended use of one, with frequent upping of dosages, it would cease to aid in stopping his quakes, and he would have to try a new medicine. I feel that Scrubs is a great show and the fact that it is still on is a testament to its quality, because the type of humor it serves and its style is hard to make work for mass consumption. The lack of laugh track and reliance on cut sequence thought segments and flashbacks has failed on some other very funny shows in the past, ala Andy Richter, Hidden Hills, etc. It of course didn't hurt to have the NBC thursday lineup to bolster ratings. Now hoping the show will float on its own, NBC has moved Scrubs to Tuesdays. The main selling point for following the show to its new timeslot was the Micheal J Fox guest spot that was advertised nonstop, it makes sense, if people were ever going to follow it from thursday to tuesday this would be the time, when hopefully the most people would watch for Mike. The episode tonight was funny, not hilarious, but likeable, as can be expected from Fox, just seeing him on screen was enough to make you happy and thats good tv. The most poignant part of the episode was at the end where Fox is scrubbing his hands as he has been for 2 hours since his last surgery. He knows he can't stop, his compulsion wont let him. In an uncharacteristic Fox moment, he gets frustrated and explodes in a moment of anger. And he says, "This moment of weakness, no one is supposed to see this..." Michael J Fox will be on Late Night with Conan O'Brien this week as the show airs from Canada and will appear on Scrubs again next week. "Then there's the sensation of not being able to settle, or land in any one spot for more than a second or two. When I'm "off," I feel like I'm dangling from a coat hanger that has been surgically implanted under my skin in the muscles of my back, wedged between my shoulder blades" (Lucky Man)

Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.

Sunday, February 8th, 2004

One Liner: drunkenly providing instant access into my life Time of Death: 8:33 am.

tonight was the pop sensations party that nicole had been planning slash thinking about for about two years. it started about as a great idea, then turned into a rigid scheduled event where each person had to be a different pop sensation and had to reserve their character in advance and then turned back into a great fun time had by all most all. I was among the majority all who had a great time... Getting there quite early I got real drunk real quick. Boy George likes the sauce. Oh ayeah you dont know, I was Boy George. I had been searching my mind for a pop sensation that would be easy to characterture-ize. i was thinking Kelly Osbourne, shes a big air quotes singer, and shes just a short brightly colored wig, some bad makeup and a fat roll a away from party costume recognizability. But then nicole said she was hoping a Boy George would come to her pop singer party, and said if anyone was crazy enough to pull it off, that Danwho was the big air quotes man. And if you think about it Kelly Osbourne and 1980's Boy George is the same costume: too much makeup, a wig and some bright stupid clothes. At least now I didn't have to shove a pillow in my shirt. Gay thin male from the 80's or chubby female freak of the present? I've proven I can pull off Eighties Gayties before anyway. Theres not a whole lot that I can tell you, that I couldnt show you better, so why dont you check out the gallery of the pop sensations party.

Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.

Saturday, February 7th, 2004

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004

One Liner: I don't like to bore people with dream stories, but this is more just mental patient stuff than anything Time of Death: 5:48 am.

As chances are you've heard, I haven't been sleeping. Maybe its because I havent shut up about how I only get 4 to 5 hours of shut eye every other day. Maybe you're sick of hearing me complain about how nyquil hasnt helped, and i'm getting sick. Maybe you hadn't quite gotten your fill of me ranting how I only fall asleep by collapsing from exhaustion after being awake for 36 to 40 hours. Maybe I need to stress the fact that when I do sleep its only for a 4 or 5 hours, usually mid-day after classes. Sunday night i actually did get lucky enough to fall asleep while watching Lilo and Stitch, sometime between 1 and 2 am. But the joy of slumber wasn't really as good as I had remembered it. I had a terrible nightmare and was startled between 3 and 3:30. It wasn't your traditional nightmare that wakes you up in a cold sweat and it becomes just a memory....It was one of the Wes Craven-esque ones that you can't wake up from. The kind where you are half-asleep-walking, don't know where you are, and are terrified and can't reason with yourself until you slowly fully wake up. I've had these kind of nightmares before, I used to have them somewhat regularly during a certain period of my childhood for some reason. I've mentioned them on this stage before, but haven't had something like this again since I was little. The kind of dream that I'm talking about, is intensely scary with a terror of death, like the fate of the world rests on the outcome. Like a panic attack with purpose and big nasty teeth. Because I'm only somewhat conscious during the nightmare the fear isnt based fully on tangible facts and situations but more on hazy shadows of something frightening. It's in my head and I'm walking around seeing the safety but unable to convince the part of my being that is consumed with fear from whats going on in the dream. When I was a kid, the parts of the fear that I could remember when I would fully wake up, had to do with a certain buzzing voice with an angry inflection that seemed to talk slowly and not loud but still managed to imply that it was yelling. The main point of the dream was that either I had killed someone and that the authorities were after me...I imagine I would get the same kind of feeling if I were in the back of a white bronco with a gun to my head, being driven by a friend named AC....But most of the time I was standing at the foul line in our hallway nerf basketball court, which was floating in the blackness of space or another dimension. I know that there was a huge Big Lebowski Acid Flashback type bowling ball coming at me and I had to shoot a freethrow with a bowling ball, and that my life rode on converting the points. I would walk around the house ranting and raving looking over my shoulder most likely crying. My dad would sit up watching Sanford and Son reruns while I shivered and rocked back and forth weeping in terror. Eventually I would wake up enough to be convinced where I was, and was sent back to bed. And on a side note, at what age did my dad hit the point where he started passing out at 9pm, he used to be up watching late night tv. I only ask because I assume this is going to happen to me, as it does a lot of older men, at some point Kornheiser started going to bed too early to watch Western Conference NBA games, so what age is this to be expected? back to business...This nightmare that I had last nite had to do with web design, something about coding picture galleries or something, but it wasn't today, it was like the 70's or 80's before the technology of the internet existed. It felt like the Cold War because I was positive that If I didnt make these webpages that the entire world would end. I scribbled some notes about the layout and some basic html on a sheet of scrap paper, and wandered the halls pacing trying to find safety or wake up or something. As i was slowly waking up I tried to convince myself how stupid this fear was, and that I had galleries made, that I could use them as a template, but then I'd yell about how galleries dont exist, pictures from thin air, that is impossible, what kind of task am I being charged with, how could they place the fate of the world on me and this unproven science? The fact that it had something to do with web stuff, doesnt really surprise me though, the context of picture galleries saving us from Soviet nukes does, but not the fact it was website related. Because i spend a good deal of time doing things of that nature or at least thinking about it. And when I was a kid, me and my brothers played a lot of basketball on that hallway court with the nerf hoop. Which is just pretty stupid now that I think about it. The hallway was maybe 3 foot 6, at most 4 feet wide, which even for lilttle kids that leaves little option for lateral movement. Drive straight or drop back for a fadeaway, those are your options. And even when we broke so many plastic rims that we didnt bother buying a new one, we just played you had to hit the top of the molding above the end of the hall closet. Well anyway keeping up with older brothers even in that small arena is probably one of the reasons Alex was a bit of local athletic phenom growing up.....off topic again.... Well eventually I woke up completely, took a little break from being a psycho and just went online. Eventually I went back to sleep, but woke again around 5 in the same state, shivering, scared, looking over my shoulder, mumbling to myself about things that dont even begin to make sense, and being only awake enough to watch myself do these terrible things, unable to kill the fear. Since it happened again after 1 to 1-1/2 hours into my sleep each time, I'm sure that it had something to do with a certain point in my sleep cycle of my stressed, unrested mind and some deep seeded demons. between that and the nosebleeds I'm a wreck. Ohyea i had a nosebleed before i went to bed, and since ive been sick i thought it was just a runny nose and yeah i wiped it with my hand and wiped my hand on my pants, yea gross, im sure u touch children, loser, anyway i still didnt notice for a while until i was dripping on my desk. I had 2 more nosebleeds today. And your like so what, thats the only somewhat normal thing in this update? Well its just bothersome because I had only ever had one nosebleed in my life before sunday. Now I'm up to four, what the fuck? Tony Kornheiser (on Janet's Superbowl performance): "What about the kids, What do we tell the kids?" Michael Wilbon: "Kids...this is a breast. Hopefully when you're 18 or 19 you'll see a lot more of them."

Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.