Saturday, December 6th, 2003

One Liner:Who Dandey
The following are just some ramblings i came up with a year ago that were inspired by the type of absurdist short musings of Jack Handey.


I think when I'm being eaten by a cannibal, he'd probably say he's full when he got to my feet, but he's probably just turned off by the smell...he'd say he'll save them for later but I don't believe he has any intention of eating them later.


When I walk past a group of giggling girls, I feel it is safe to assume that they are laughing at me. Or at very least my invisible friend the "comedian."


When someone asks you how you feel about your current dental health, I think the best response is to punch out all your teeth and look at them and gum "coulb be bebber."


Whoever first called Kick the Can a game, most likely never played Jai Lai. Now that's a game.


I fantasize that all those love songs in your info are about my dad...I think that would be an interesting situation, me being in love with my step-mom...maybe dad could set us up.


The only gift you can really get an orchestra conductor is one of those little sticks...and you can't afford the one he's had his eye on.


You know how you are walking down a street, or the mall, or a long hallway in a huge mansion, or the runway of an airport kicking a stone or a bottle cap along as you go? Well do you know how? My guess is with your feet.


When you're giving a eulogy at a funeral, it really must be hard to not really speak from the heart...and say something really awkward and inappropriate like "Tito is the least appreciated of all the Jacksons. I wish he was dead so I could be giving his eulogy now instead of this slob."


When the doctor tells me that I have one week to live, I think I'd spend it doing something I have always wanted, and go to the north pole and pick up some ice from a glacier...then I'll probably microwave the ice and inject it into my veins. I mean hey thats probably the coolest feeling ever and I'm dying right?


When I smoke cigarettes I get a cool feeling all through my legs. But maybe it's because I'm smoking outside in the cold. And because I'm not wearing pants.


In an attempt to spruce up the landscape, I covered all the leaves on a tree in tin foil. What a rustling that was.


If you stare into a flame you can see its soul. My lighter has some serious issues and demons.


When I was trying to realize my dream job as a glass eater, I practiced by building up slowly. First with almonds, then with peanut brittle. I never made it to glass because I became a peanut brittle salesman, its a great job, that stuff sells itself.


As I was dangling by one arm off the precipice, I couldn't help but think that my goldfish would never experience this exhilaration or fear.


When icefishing, you may think peanut butter is a good bait, but you'd be wrong. Fish like their peanut butter at room temperature.


Danny Who loves you.




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