Monday, February 16th, 2004

One liner: The Alex Rodriguez Show Time of Death: 2:49 pm.

Chances are that by now you've heard of the all but final [now final] blockbuster trade of Alex Rodriguez to the New York Yankees. I know its a little bit tiresome after being wrapped up in the As the A-Rod Turns soap opera that has been this baseball off season, but lets discuss. I'm a Yankee fan and of course I want to see the best player in the the majors in my team's uniform. Of course it feels great to sock it to Boston, which is reeling in the wake of their failed acquisition. Well they won't tell you they're reeling, they'll tell you George Steinbrenner embodies all that is evil in the world and will one day try to buy you and your dog just for fun. They'll tell you that they are proud of their big moves too, Schilling is gonna be wicked awesome. But they probably won't let you see them cry, proud, tough sonsofbitches who might throw in a "Viniateri is fackin sweet" or two just to feel a little better. However, I know the Yankees are getting ridiculous when it comes to contracts and acquisitions. It's hard to defend a team that bought whiners and all around not team players like Gary Sheffield, Kenny Lofton and Kevin Brown this offseason. The best argument has always been about the cost of living in NYC, where money values are inflated and unlike anywhere else. You argue about small market teams and I come back with saying that the dollar amounts in KC and dollar amounts in NYC are apples and oranges. Another argument is that the Yankes take in more money than anyone else and the economic ratios are so that NY isn't the biggest spender for what they make. The last issue is always about the quality stars that came up through the farm system: Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada, Alfonso Soriano, Andy Pettite, Nick Johnson . But this last argument is getting harder to argue. So in a last ditch effort I might mention something like Boston has the second highest payroll behind the Yankees because they are wannabee perennial second placers, so don't pit the Sox as our small market antithesis, or any kind of underdog. But we all know, that if we are arguing about the Yankees payroll, I really am just grasping at straws without a leg to stand on, but we really aren't evil, really, my uncle is the head of security at Yankee Stadium and he has told me that nothing of a satanic nature ever occurs on stadium grounds. thats true, im not joking about my uncle. Its no secret that A-Rod and Jeter are good buddies off the field and through various phone-taps and other covert spy-like stuff I was able to get my hands on a phone call conversation between the two. If this sounds a lot like the exclusive interviews Rob Wanska has over at the New Empire's Lounge, then please go there and give him a big kiss for me, no harm intended. If this sounds like Kornheiser during one of PTI's games of role play, well then thats more what I was thinking too, so bully for you. Just picture me with cardboard cut out heads of Arod and Jeter, yelling in a comical yet intelligent way. And as always, when its over, I win. A-Rod: Hey Derek, how am I going to go back into the locker room during spring training and look at my teammates? I mean we're all friends, you know how nice and social I am, but really I've publicly said I need to play for a winner, and I'm the one who crippled my team's chances with my fat contract. Jeter: It's gonna be tough, I was talking to Nomar today and he was in the same boat, I mean in your case, if your team loses chemistry, well your still not making the playoffs, but with Nomar, if his team is not playing well together, it'll be easier for us to trounce them come september. A-Rod: I know baseball and I can play. I've groomed myself to be the spokeman for the sport. I'm on pace to set ridiculous records and be a first ballot Hall of Famer. I'm young but mature, good-looking, well-dressed, and well spoken. I'm regularly seen at dinner with retired Hall of Famers, I pick their brains about their impact on the sport and what mine will someday be. I'm ready for the big time, but I'm stagnating in Texas. Jeter: Yes the big time, I've been enjoying the big time since I was a rookie and playing in the World Series. Its true that the Yankees are the biggest stage in baseball and its also true that a lot of fans don't pay attention to any team but their own until September and October. And you're always playing golf and eating dinner with former allstars in September. A-Rod: Listen, Derek, no offense, your a great player, but I'm the best player in baseball, everybody thinks so, and I'm being hidden away here on this loser franchise. Thats not good business sense, for your best product to be somewhere where no one can see it. Jeter: You are the best player, but where's your jewelry, baby? I've got rings and you want what I've got. A-Rod: My biggest legacy right now is my contract, which is currently the largest in sports. Texas can't handle this and all I ever hear about is money, money, money. My contract is holding the Rangers back and no one is going to let me forget it. More everyday Joe's know how much money I made last year than my batting average. Jeter: You need to go somewhere where money is no concern. Where everyone's a 100-millionaire. Where you're in the limelight, next in line for lucrative sponsorships. A-Rod: Well Boston doesnt want to pay part of my salary and part of Manny's. Jeter: Forget Boston, you come to New York for a few road games a year and you see your old friend Derek, right? And we go out on the town with our VISA cards and party like the two young studs that we are, right? If you played in New York we could do that all the time. A-Rod: I don't want to play for the Mets. Jeter: Nobody wants to play for the Mets, that's where you go to die. Are you listening to me, as team captain of the New York Yankees, I'd be honored if you'd consider playing as a bronx bomber. A-Rod: What, are you retiring? You play shortstop. Jeter: You know Boone-y is out for the year, we have a cold hole at the hot corner. You're bigger and stronger than me, I bet you'd do fine at third. A-Rod: That transition has been tried by shortstops before, Ripken did alright, but most people have struggled. Jeter: C'mon, who's the best player in the game? Who is he? You are, yes you are, thats my big boy, a googoo, thataboy A-Rod: I'll do it, draw up the paper work, if the Yanks eat up most of my salary, and trade away one of their last talents that actually came from the farm system. You know who the Rangers might like is Soriano, yeah he's a young talent, move him to centerfield, he's fast and powerful, not nearly my caliber but still like a less expensive, less polished version of me. Jeter: Haha, Yes, I'm gonna call Nomar back, he's gonna shit, since I'm making deals now, maybe I'll offer him second base.

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