Wednesday, January 21st, 2004 One Liner: Feed Me A Stray Cat Time of Death: 4:08 pm. Warning: This is going to take awhile, try it in several sittings I recently watched what is most likely the worst movie that I have ever seen to date. Now, I've seen my share of films, I own a few shy of 100 DVDs and consider myself an amateur collector/critic and who doesnt? But, I haven't seen everything. Especially movies that suck, theres a good chance I havent seen many movies that some of you would rank as the worst things you have ever seen. Unless its a sequel to a movie that I thoroughly enjoy, or is being made fun of by Mike Nelson, Tom Servo and Crow on Mystery Science Theatre 3000, then a lot of sucky ass films get by without me bothering to waste 2 hours on them. But while yelling at the tv, during the plodding horror that is Teen Wolf Too, I was thinking what are the worst movies that I have ever seen? I can think of three off the top of my head, and they are all sequels. I'm not making a list of the worst movies, or the worst sequels, because A) its been done... B) its too much effort, because if I were to do this, I would have to do it right and make a definitive list that I wouldnt want to change in a week.... C) I haven't seen enough awful movies to be able to give a good opinion, and I dont want to sit through some possible nominees just for a stupid list. I'm not getting into serious attempts at cinema that fell short, the Godfather III's, the Rocky V's, the Star Wars Episode I's. That doesnt bother me. Obviously, not every sequel is going to surpass the one before it, and eventually expectations play into the equation and people get upset, calm down. I'm only interested in the just make me angry, pull your hair out abominations. And I'm not talking about movies that are horrible but funny in their flaws. I'm not talking Soccer Dog, which I recently watched on the Disney channel, starring a dog and Ug from Salute Your Shorts as the ref. This isn't about MVP: Most Valuable Primate, where a monkey befriends a deaf girl with no friends in Canada and plays hockey on her brothers junior hockey team. This isn't even MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate, where the same monkey makes his way to Southern California and learns to skateboard with a homeless boy. These animal movies suck, no question. When the biggest expense on the budget is the monkey feed, you can't bank on a winner every time, but I rented the monkey ones, because I wanted a laugh, and I got one, good for me right? (On a sidenote, the same monkey just came out with a new one called MXP: Most eXtreme Primate, I think he snowboards or something.) I'm sure the two French Stewart vehicles, Home Alone 4 and Inspector Gadget 2 are probably worse than any movie by the makers of Air Bud, but might get a laugh or two at the rediculocity of even bothering to film them. As long as there are morons in this world, direct to video sales and dollars to be made, these awful sequels will exist. Theres no end in sight to Land Before Time installments, so dont bother looking for one. But this is not my problem. All three of my nominees for Worst Movie I've Seen That Made Me Physically Enraged, are sequels to three of my favorite films. What sets them apart, into a new level of abomination, is the fact that they sully the good name of the original. They couldn't just go down in flames, they had to claw and scrape at their predecessors. Teen Wolf Too (1987) -This is most likely the most awfully put together film ever. There are no transitions between time periods. Scenes jump around darting here and there in time like fruit flies on a 3 month old banana. There is no implied growth of relationship, no scenes to give the audience any idea of what is going on between the characters. Its a reel of forced clips from a film that was never really completed. For example, there's an over the top dance number that comes out of the blue, and doesnt make much sense. The main point of the movie is we weren't really trying. That's it. Sans Michael J. Fox or good directing, this is a story of a half-assed effort at a few dollars. Scott Howard of the original has a cousin. Todd Howard is played by Jason Bateman, Tv's David Hogan of The Hogan Family and Michael Bluth of Arrested Development. The college gives Todd a athletic scholarship for boxing because they hope he might become a wolf like Scott and lead the school to prestige, but then they are all shocked when he becomes the wolf. The wolf suit is cheaper than something you would see at an inner city YMCA Halloween party. The ADR voice-overs are horrendous, and the glowing red eyes of anger that accompany wolf-outs are really cheap, like someone went over the film with a red pen. Half the movie was shot in slow motion and sped up, like the parts when the wolf is driving his new corvette bought by the dean, to make the driving seem more dangerous. Most of the boxing scenes are done with awful special effects as well. Scott Howard's cousin, Todd gets driven to college by his uncle, Scott's Dad, played by James Hampton of the original. Now totally out of character from the way he acted in the original, Harold Howard changes into a wolf while driving, For Fun. Just to get people to stare and freak out his nephew Todd who is uncomfortable with the werewolf-ness and hasn't had to deal with that particular family issue yet and assumes it won't happen to him. We know better. Todd's roomate is Scott's old best friend, Stiles. Stiles is played by Another Actor. Stiles being there is a surprise to Todd, and uncle Harold, and to the viewer. His appearance is out of place, unrealistic and stupid. But you assume if Jerry Levine aggreed to do the second film, they would write him in, even if it was out of place, to bring some famililarity to the sequel in Micheal J.'s absence. But the original Stiles isn't in the film, and this new actor looks the polar opposite of the original, and even acts differently. Its a forced stupid move that removes any credibility from the film in the First Act. Mark Holton, of Pee Wee's Big Adventure fame, who plays Chubby in Teen Wolf, is back again for the sequel, somehow going from being an out of shape bad highschool basketball player to being an out of shape bad college boxer. Another returning character is coach Bobby Finstock from Scott's highschool basketball team, who is now a college boxing coach, but is played by Another Actor. Don't forget the attractive but not stunning girl who's a friend but wants to be more. The tough asshole from another school who competes against the wolf. And lets not forget the slut bombshell, who used to be with the tough guy, that the wolf picks over his friend who wants more. Make sure the slut goes back to the tough guy, the wolf has a catharsis, decides to be himself, comes out on top anyway, and chooses the girl he's friends with over the flip-flopping slut. And we're done, OSCAR GOLD right? 1 Not Completely Terrible Moment: Mad that he has become a jerk, Todd's lab partner, slaps him across the face with a dead frog and a frog fight breaks out in the science lab during dissection. This was perhaps the only part of the movie that was not cliche or annoying Caddyshack II (1988) -The least original of my three choices, this awful endeavor is on top of most peoples lists for worst movie or worst sequel. What were they thinking? They tried to recreate the original magic and by copying so closely, and failing so miserably, they tarnished the good name of the original, Chevy Chase and writer Harold Ramis. Ramis directed and co-wrote the first Caddyshack with Brian Doyle Murray, but only wrote the sequel and then washed his hands of the project. The entire movie is cliche and trite at this point. It's a characterature of the original with a slightly altered plot. The main plot difference being a father-daughter miscommunication. The daughter wanting acceptance by the snobs but eventually realizing her mistake. The father buying Bushwood country club but turning it into a full size mini-golf course, which probably seemed funny on paper but when executed is just tacky. Chevy Chase returns as Ty Webb but in a role that is only a little more than a cameo. Other than that, its a new cast but while they had the good sense to not have different actors playing the same characters, they had them playing eerily similar characters. It was like a cheap knock off of Caddyshack. Like The Ghostbusters cartoon was to The REAL Ghostbusters cartoon. Hack comic Jackie Mason, not to be confused with the genius of Jackie Gleason, plays a crude millionaire ala Rodney Dangerfield's Al Czervik. Dan Akroyd adopts a silly voice and plays a Bill Murrays as Carl Spackler-esque character, who is hiding in the bushes with deadly weapons while being bothered by a gopher. A gopher that looks less like the original and more like a cheap puppet from KB Toys that was sold to kids after the original. Robert Stack of Unsolved Mysteries plays the antagonist, a proper well-to-do country club eliteist who hates the crude new elements on his golf course, reminisent of Judge Smails played by Ted Knight in the original. Jonathan Silverman, plays the young good guy, Danny Noonan-type, and comes out on top in the end. Throw in some snobs, some slobs and Randy Quaid for wackiness and you've got one huge mistake. 1 Not Completely Terrible Moment: Dan Akroyd's secret communications with Robert Stack, where he assigns Stack the code name of Mrs. Esterhouse. In his very annoying fake high pitched/retard voice Akroyd calling a man Mrs. Esterhouse was the only time i wasn't scowling in anger. American Psycho 2: All American Girl (2002) -Starring Mila Kunis and William fucking Shatner in the sequel that should have cut its losses by not associating itself with the original, which is a stylishly fantastic psychological thinker of a film from the Bret Easton Ellis novel of the same name. American Psycho 2 is not from a book, or even a writer but two people who had never written a screenplay before. It is horrendous from the first death to the last. Failing to recreate the style or headgames of the original, it comes off as just cheap and not clever at all. The only reason I sat through it was, A) It was on at 4:30 in the morning and I was awake. B) I had meant to check it out even thought I knew it would suck, because it shared a name with one of my favorite films. C) The thinly veiled allure that there would be some nudity involved in this low budget thriller and that the nudity might involve Mila Kunis. The plot is rediculous, it involves a crazy Kunis who will do anything, including murder, to be Shatners teaching assistant, because his TA's always get into FBI Forensics to solve murders. WHAT? But here's the kicker, during the babbling imcomprehensible confession of motive at the conclusion, Mila Kunis, who goes by several identities during the film, brings up her connection to The Patrick Bateman of the original American Psycho. Now of course the writers had intended to try to confuse the viewer, making them think that the plot was clever, so clever that they couldnt even comprehend it, somewhat like the original. But her confession is not clever, its stupid, its moronic, even if its part of her lying pysche, its too dumb, why even write this garbage down, no less film it? And to illustrate her confession, a disgusting little flashback sequence is shown. The flashback is not unlike a bad America's Most Wanted dramatice reenactment, out of focus and with a not so steady, steady-cam giving first person perspective to the viewer. It was also a bit like Rescue 911, which makes me wonder if Shatner had anything to do with the suggestion during creative meetings. And the worst part, Patrick Bateman is reenacted in the flashback, by another actor, who really doesn't resemble Christian Bale. The reenactment and Bateman part of the confession is totally pointless for the plot of this shitty movie, and the situtation in which Bateman is included is one which is out of the realm of reality for Patrick Bateman to have been in, if you have seen the original. This kind of inclusion of a character from a previous film is nothing more than a shameless way to sell a load of garbage movie as a sequel to a movie that it has nothing to do with. Its a way to milk any remaining dollars from the brand name. To trick a few fans into showing the slightest curiosity into a film that you know was a waste to bother filming. 1 Not Completely Terrible Moment: Mila Kunis lures some kid to his death with sex, which is kind of hot, but it was just a tease, no nudity. Honorable mention: Bone Daddy. At least 3 or 4 people will get this. It's terrible. But I wasn't angered by it, I was laughing. But I was drunk. I would have laughed at witnessing some sort of appalling murder first hand in that state. I just had to mention it. "I have to return some videotapes" Spread Rumors: and/or you could Read LJ Comments.

Danny Who loves you.